


Do I Have to Say the Words?

by Wisely_Silent



Category: Salatut elämät
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 21:12:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 40,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8117740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wisely_Silent/pseuds/Wisely_Silent
Summary: Lari has always enjoyed his mostly ordinary life with cool friends, hot girls and amazing future career. He’s not at all pleased when a boy named Elias moves to Finland and does his best to disrupt Lari’s life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever proper, finished fic, written for NaNoWriMo 2013. All mistakes are mine.

**Chapter One**

It is sunny and warm morning in mid-August, filled with the happy chirping of many birds. The air smells fresh after a heavy rain last night and the sky is beautifully blue without a single cloud in sight. Everything seems to be perfectly ordinary in Lari Väänänen’s life as he walks towards his school whistling off-tune and hands tucked into his pockets.

   Maybe he wouldn’t if he knew that his life was about to change completely. Today is the day that marks the change in everything, the day when life starts to slowly guide him somewhere he doesn’t want to go, towards something he denies even exists.

   But as it is, he doesn’t know and he is content, carefree and confident as he walks inevitably towards his doom – or maybe salvation. Who knows at this point.

   As he steps through the iron gates of his school, there are already plenty of students scattered about; some alone and some in groups of various sizes. Lari spots his own group of friends almost right away, lounging neat the front doors of the building and laughing – at someone, Lari gathers. He makes his way eagerly towards them, feeling curious and noticing quite soon who is the one being laughed at: Tale Taalasmaa, of course, who else.

   Tale walks silently with slumped shoulders and eyes glued downwards to his own shoes past the laughing group, in which Lari quickly joins.

   _Pathetic_ , Lari thinks amusedly as he laughs with his friends at that ridiculous figure of their most favourite source of entertainment. Lari feels almost sorry that this year will be the last one, for he could certainly tease Tale far longer than that.

   It’s only then when Lari notices that Tale is not alone like he usually is. Next to him walks another boy, someone Lari hasn’t seen before. He observes the pair closely as they make their way towards the doors of the school. The strange boy with blond hair seems to be the total opposite of Tale: he walks proudly, eyes staring straight ahead and is completely ignoring the jeering sounds coming from their left. The sight of the boy’s confidence annoys Lari more than he cares to admit and he doesn’t quite understand why.

   ‘Who do you think that is?’ Lari wonders aloud but doesn’t hear if someone answers him. His eyes are still following the blond until he goes through the doors and disappears from sight.

   When the bell rings a little later, Lari and his friends start unenthusiastically move inside and towards their first class. Lari’s mind is wandering somewhere else entirely than in Finnish, which is the class he’s about to attend. His brow is wrinkled as he wonders about the boy he just saw whilst being outside. _What does he look like?_ is the thought going through his mind the most often. Lari rather wishes that the boy’s face is horrible disfigured.

   The first thing that Lari notices when he steps inside the classroom with his gang – late – is the new blond boy sitting in front row and gazing at their teacher as though what she’s currently saying is something remarkably wise and interesting. The boy looks like nothing Lari imagined.

   The skin of his face is mostly unblemished and his eyes are a piercing shade of blue – like a blue topaz or a sapphire maybe. Lari swallows and tries to get moisture into his suddenly dry mouth. He has to force his eyes away from the boy so that no one will notice his staring.

    _I’m comparing some guy’s eyes to jewels_ , he realises, feeling bemused as he walks to the back of the room. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

   He sits down on his own seat and tunes off the teacher’s lecture about being late. Surely someone will mention it later if he managed to land himself in detention.

   His eyes are once again staring at the back of that blond head without really being aware of it himself, and he wonders who the boy is and why he has come to their – no, _his_ – school. He’s curious, that he can admit to himself. But the boy obviously isn’t someone Lari wants to make closer contact with – he did arrive with Taalasmaa after all. And anyone, who does that, is unworthy of his company. Except Janne of course, but Janne is Janne. That is to say a little strange when it comes to people he hangs out with, but still a very good friend.

   Lari’s questions about their new classmate are soon answered when the teacher calls the boy to stand next to her and introduce himself. Lari watches as the blond rises from his seat – _what a nice ass_ , he thinks suddenly and is immediately horrified at his thoughts. He shakes his head and avoids watching the blond when he begins to speak.

   And when Lari hears the blond’s voice for the first time, it makes all the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He has to repress a shudder and he feels his heart starting to beat faster the more he listens. Lari tells himself firmly that he’s only affected because he’s annoyed. That’s all.

   What he learns from the voice is that the new boy is called Elias _– such a queer name_ , Lari sneers to himself – and that he has moved to Finland from Brussels to live with his father.

   ‘Could’ve stayed away,’ Lari mumbles quietly and his gang around him sniggers. He flashes them a grin. His grin fades quickly away, however, when he hears Elias telling the class that he’s gay.

   Lari’s friends make disgusting sounds, but Lari himself can only stare blankly at Elias. His thoughts are a jumbled mess inside of his head and he can only understand some of them: _that’s repulsing, what a freak, he’s kind of hot..._ That last wandering thought causes Lari to, yet again, shake his head in confusion. _Get a grip!_ he orders himself and forces his face to look bored and sickened at the thought of sharing the same air with some gay boy.

   He takes a cautious peek at Elias just as the boy in question flashes a bright, calm smile and returns to his seat. _You’d better watch out_ , Lari thinks as his eyes get stuck at Elias’ head again, _I don’t tolerate faggots in my school._

When the break finally starts after a very dull double lesson, Lari immediately confronts Elias and tells him exactly what he thinks of him and other people like him. He expects Elias to cower in front of him and his mighty gang, so he’s naturally very disappointed and very furious when Elias simply smirks, insults him back and walks away without showing even an ounce of fear.

   The rest of the day a fuming Lari settles for glaring at Elias form distance and is determined to figure out how to show that snob his proper place in the food chain.

   If only it were that easy. Lari finds out very quickly during the next couple of days that Elias Vikstedt is a force to be reckoned with. No matter what Lari says or does, Elias continues to be just as arrogant and full of himself than ever. Lari is furious that he hasn’t been able to break him yet. But he will, oh yes, he’s absolutely certain that at some point he will succeed.

   He may later regret that he’s right.

In the mean time, however, it is time to focus on his main goal of the new school year. Lari has for years had a reputation of being the biggest girl magnet of the school and that he can have whoever he wants whenever he wants. So far Lari hasn’t wanted anyone and he’s afraid that others might start to think that perhaps all he claims to be is only talk – on worse, a façade, which Lari uses to hide behind. _No! Don’t go there, it doesn’t exist!_ his mind screams to him, causing Lari to take a deep breath and force himself to take it as a fact. He needs no façades.

   What he does need is to find himself a girlfriend quickly – preferably a hot one, someone everyone fancies. An opportunity comes sooner than Lari expects when Janne and his girlfriend Iida break up. Lari isn’t interested in the details behind the end of their relationship, but rather how to get Iida – considered to be the most beautiful girl at the school – all to himself.

   In the end it’s very simple, because surprisingly it is Iida, who makes the first move. It happens in the middle of a crowded street, when Iida suddenly accosts him and kisses him with absolutely zero warning. Lari of course is immediately in and is relieved that he finally has a very pretty girl in his arms to show around, even though he doesn’t really feel anything for her. Even better about Iida is the fact that she is Elias’ best friend. _Ah, the bloody faggot has to suffer my magnificence every day_ , Lari gleefully thinks and smiles. Life is wonderful.

But it isn’t about to remain so, as Lari soon realises. His thoughts and mind are constantly occupied by none other than the new bane of his existence: Elias Vikstedt. He is the last thing in Lari’s mind when he falls asleep and the first when he wakes up. It infuriates Lari to no end that some gay dares to cling into his mind so persistently. It results Lari to be more horrible to boy in question than ever – but of course only when Iida isn’t there to witness it.

   But Iida is not very happy with Lari. Not because she knows about what he does to Elias – Iida is very blind when it comes to Lari’s faults – but because he has been mostly ignoring her. Lari has been dwelling in the thoughts of Elias so much lately that he finds that his mind simply has no room for his girlfriend at the moment. But he’s about to change that very soon.

   The school party, arranged by a bunch of his classmates, is fast approaching and Lari is planning to concentrate only on Iida the whole evening. It would not do for her to dump him after all. All the students are invited, but Lari isn’t overly concerned that a certain someone will announce their present there. It is a very know fact that the sole purpose of the party is to get pissed and Lari has a feeling that Elias (who, from what Lari has heard, has perfect manners and is constantly praised by all the teachers) is not a person at all interested in that kind of stuff.

At the day of the party, Lari chooses to wear a pair of blue shorts and a reddish t-shirt with a v-neck. He has unconsciously donned the same clothing as the very first day he met Elias. An hour later he tells his father that he’s going to spend the night with his girlfriend in her home, mentions nothing of the party and takes a buss to his destination. He and Iida have agreed earlier that they would meet at the party.

   When Lari sees her, he is less than impressed that she’s accompanied by Tale, who is looking annoyingly chipper.

   ‘Get lost,’ Lari commands him, sneering, and watches satisfied as Tale rolls his eyes and leaves somewhere. Lari doesn’t care where.

   Iida frowns at him disapprovingly, but fortunately doesn’t tell him off. Lari stares appreciatively at his girlfriend, who is wearing a short light pink sleeveless summer dress that highlights beautifully her tanned skin. Unfortunately, however, she has coated her face with too much make-up. Lari always wonders why girls obsessively paint their faces instead of looking natural.

   Lari kisses Iida hello and leads her inside, where the party is already in full swing. There are much more people than Lari expected and some of them seem to already be more cheerful and talkative than they normally would. Lari notices Tale lurking near the punch bowl and snorts at the hilarious thought of a drunken Tale and all the fun he could have with him.

   He then turns to Iida and decides to ask the question that has been more or less bothering him since the morning, just to be absolutely certain, ‘Are you sure that Elias is not coming?’ He prays that Iida will say yes.

   But Iida merely sniffs and Lari shifts his legs frustratingly, waiting for an answer.

   ‘He said he doesn’t want to,’ she replies eventually, sounding disappointed, ‘But I hope he’ll change his mind, because I told him that I won’t be speaking to him if he leaves me here alone.’

   ‘I resent that,’ Lari exclaims immediately, ‘I’m here to be with you, you don’t need that egoistic clown to keep you company.’

   Iida sighs and rolls her eyes. ‘Knowing you, it won’t take even an hour for you to be completely drunk and from what I’ve heard; you have appalling manners when you’re like that,’ Iida tells him and continues, ‘I’m not going to drink and neither is Elias so I really want him here.’

   Then she turns her back on him and wanders off, leaving Lari alone with his anxious thoughts. _Elias can’t come here, he can’t come, he won’t come, he won’t..._ he chants desperately and makes his way to the punch bowl, where undecided Tale is still holding his empty disposable cup in his hand.

   Lari takes a cup to himself and ladles it full with punch. He takes a sip and tries not to grimace at the taste. _Too much alcohol!_ he curses and contemplates whether to drink at all. But at the chance that someone will think he’s a wimp, he decides to drink no matter how horrible it tastes.

   ‘Are you going to stand there the whole night looking stupid?’ he asks mockingly at Tale and takes another sip, careful that he won’t show his distaste in front of unpleasant company.

   ‘I was only waiting for someone to taste it first,’ Tale says, his face reddening and he puts his cup away. Then he leaves and disappears somewhere in the crowd.

   Lari chuckles and takes a third sip and almost chokes on it when at the exact same moment his eyes find the one person he least wants to see walking in. And damn he’s looking hot in his white t-shirt and tight dark blue jeans hugging his thighs. _Shut the fuck up, right now!_ Lari’s mind desperately screams.

   He turns quickly around and refills his cup pretending nothing is wrong. He then goes to find Iida before Elias does. But alas, he’s too late. When Lari finally discovers his girlfriend near the small buffet table, there are also Elias and Tale (who, it seems has found the courage to get himself a drink) talking and laughing. Lari can see Elias’ face when he laughs and it makes Lari’s insides to perform a strange little somersault.

   Lari has to tear his eyes away from the disturbing sight and decides to approach Iida later – when she’s _alone_. He goes to search his elusive gang instead ( _they are probably spending quality time with chicks in some private room_ , Lari thinks sullenly and feels like he has been abandoned), emptying his half full cup with one big gulp to diminish the sensations caused by Elias’ wide, happy smile. _What the hell is wrong with me?_ Lari wonders anxiously.

Much later the party has nearly died and Lari, after consuming more that enough alcohol, is spying Elia— _Iida!_ He’s spying _Iida_ , yes that’s right! – from behind an overturned beige coloured armchair. Tale is completely pissed and Iida is apparently trying to persuade him to go home with them. Tale is stubbornly shaking his head and protests loudly when Elias grasps his arm and tries to get him to move. Lari’s eyes are glued to Elias and his alcohol blurred mind is very much appreciating Elias’ body.

   Then Tale seems to get angry and forcefully pulls his hand off of Elias’ grip. Unfortunately the trio is standing by the pool, so when Elias loses his balance, he falls straight into the water with a huge splash. Lari stretches his neck and tries in vain to see him.

   ‘Elias!’ Iida shouts concernedly, whilst a confused Tale is squinting around, seemingly wondering where Elias suddenly disappeared to.

   Elias manages to get out of the pool easily with Iida’s help and when Lari sees his body from his hiding place, he gasps aloud. Elias is dripping wet and his shirt clings to his upper body, leaving nothing to the imagination. His lightly muscled, absolutely perfectly shaped body makes Lari drool, but Lari himself doesn’t notice. All he can notice is Elias and only Elias. He barely even registers the furious beating of his heart.

   Then a brilliant, drunken idea strikes his mind and he fumblingly reaches for his phone, which is luckily still in his pocket and not lying around somewhere out of reach. He manages to get the camera on and take a photo of a very wet and very hot Elias. Unfortunately the photoflash is on and his presence is instantly revealed to the trio in front of him.

   ‘Lari?’ Iida questions disbelievingly. ‘I thought you’d already left. What are you doing in there?’

   Lari barely hears her, for his full concentration is still focused solely on Elias and his body and his ass and his hair and –

   Then someone crouches in front of Lari and he can no longer see the sexiest sight he’s ever laid his eyes on. He lets out a disappointed whine, which makes Iida frown.

   ‘You’re so wasted,’ she sighs and shakes her head in resignation, ‘Come on, let’s get you home.’

When Lari awakens in the morning, he doesn’t remember anything but Elias and as he shifts under his blanket, he’s horrified and mortified to realise the sticky state of his pyjama pants. He absolutely refuses to admit what it means.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

As the autumn goes on, Lari finds it more and more difficult to keep his mind from drifting. And as the only place where it drifts is strictly forbidden, he becomes more and more distracted and snappy – especially towards his unfortunate girlfriend, who hasn’t spoken to him in two whole days.  

   Lari is almost relieved when Iida flatly announces three days later that she wants to break up and get back together with Janne. Lari wishes them luck and sincerely means it. Iida is a good girl and deserves someone, who pays attention to her.  

So it continues for about a month. Lari is free and single, Iida and Janne are disgustingly happy and Elias distractingly handsome and plagues Lari’s dreams more often than not, leaving him either terribly aroused or in similar state than the first time it happened. Lari is afraid to go to sleep nowadays.  

   The worst is yet to come, however, and when Lari discovers what it is, he feels like his lungs has stopped functioning. His head spins and he feels anger like never before rushing through his body. Anger and jealousy, although he hotly refuses to acknowledge the latter. 

   Elias is leaning against a wall, his fingers playing with the belt loops of the boy standing in front of him. His name is Ville, Lari remembers and he has never hated anyone as much. When Ville slowly leans forwards to kiss Elias, with a little playful smile on his lips, Lari has to suppress a snarl. His hands curl into fists and his nails dig painfully into the flesh of his palms. 

   Fortunately Ville departs soon after the brief kiss and Lari breathes in relief only to see Elias smiling dreamily at Ville’s retreating back. Lari really wants to punch that smile off of his face. 

   From that day on the school has to deal with a very grumpy Lari and majority of the student body learns quickly to avoid his poisonous glare and vicious words. His friends keep asking him what’s got his hockey stick in a twist, but each time Lari only grunts angrily in response. 

   But the inquiries soon stop when the hockey gang realises that the angrier Lari is, the better he is at shooting goals. The reason for this is that Lari pretends each puck to be Ville’s head and that the goal net is Hell. Nothing satisfies him more than sending that bastard into the never-ending, boiling hot pit over and over again.

   In addition of being angry at Elias and Ville, Lari is also very furious with himself. He hates that he’s so bothered by their relationship. Of course he never lets himself search the reasons for those feelings very deeply, so he continues to scowl and be mean to Elias. He also tries to unsuccessfully kill Ville with both his thoughts and eyes and wonders what an earth Elias sees in that jerk. 

One day Lari finds a strange note inside of his school locker that scares him half to death. With shaking hands he crumples the small piece of paper and carefully hides it in his backpack. He intends to burn it later so that no one can ever read it. The words are already etched deeply into his mind:

_I know what you are, for I’ve seen it in your eyes._

Lari glances suspiciously around, but doesn’t notice anything out of ordinary. He’s a little afraid and his heart is racing, because he’s unsure what the note means or who wrote it. The text isn’t handwritten so there’s no way of finding out. 

   The rest of the day he’s very cautious in his actions, unwilling to give the note-writer any new ammunition. He watches people carefully and tries unsuccessfully to find clues to the mystery. 

   But he soon forgets all about the note when something wonderful, something magnificent happens: Elias and Ville have a very loud argument in the middle of the school corridor and Lari gleefully watches as they shout at each other. The verbal fight ends when Ville slaps Elias hard in the face and walks mutinously away. Lari feels indignant – _how dare he hit Elias?! –_ but it’s nothing compared to what Elias must feel. He looks stunned at being slapped, but then his face transforms to that of extreme hatred. Lari feels giddy when Elias storms into the opposite direction of his – hopefully – ex-boyfriend. 

   Lari asks subtly around about what happened between the seemingly happy couple, pretending to be completely uninterested, but just wanting to make sure that he can avoid witnessing similar situations in the future. 

   According to Janne, who heard it from Iida, Ville cheated on Elias and then when Elias found out, they had a “little public conversation” that resulted in break-up. _Serves him right, that bastard_ , Lari thinks, but is unable to say whether he means Ville or Elias, when he really thinks about it.

After the break-up, which is the gossip of the week, Lari returns to his worry about the mysterious note he received. He really has no means to find out the writer, so he concentrates half of his energy on figuring out the meaning of the words. 

   ‘“I know what you are, for I’ve seen it in your eyes,” what the bloody hell does that mean?’ he asks himself aloud when he’s at home, reading the note for the umpteenth time. _What can someone possibly see in my eyes?_

   Then his mind supplies him with something promising, but at the same time, terrifying. Lari remembers with dread the few times when he was dreamily staring at Elias in the middle of class... Has someone seen his glazed looks and made untrue conclusions? The thought of that is frightening – he must do something to rectify it immediately.

   He starts in the very next day by flirting with girls and he does his best to force his eyes to stop seeking out Elias, who seems a bit weird for some reason. But that is only to be expected, Lari supposes – he has just broken up his relationship after all. Not that Lari is at all interested in the behaviour of that disgusting faggot, of course. 

   Because that’s exactly what Elias is – disgusting. Not handsome or hot or sexy or –

   Lari shakes his head frustratingly and glares murderously at the boy he was thinking of as he walks past him. Elias simply raises one eyebrow and continues on about his business. _I hate you_ , Lari tells his back silently. 

After a week, Lari finally burns the note. He is sick and tired of wondering and since nothing has happened lately, he feels safe enough to get rid of it. Too soon it seems, because there is another one in his locker couple of days later. The message is different this time, but just as confusing as the last: 

_It’s not impossible to have what you want.  
_

Lari scratches his neck. He wonders why the note is stating the obvious, for Lari knows perfectly well what he wants and he also knows that it’s very much possible to have it: a professional hockey career in NHL. He throws the note into the nearest rubbish bin and decides to forget all about it. 

   Their next class is biology, which Lari thinks is extremely boring subject. And it becomes even more so, when the teacher announces right away that they have to work in pairs. Of course the bloody teacher decides to pair them up herself and Lari is certain that he will not be getting anyone pleasant – he’s never that lucky. 

   Then his nonexistent hopes plummet even further, when the teacher starts forming the pairs alphabetically. Lari himself is the last one and the one before him is –

   ‘Elias and Lari,’ the teacher says calmly but sternly and folds the paper she used to read the names from.

   Lari stares stonily ahead and makes no moves to get up and go anywhere near Elias. _Of all the people in this class, why him?_ he complains silently, glaring daggers at the teacher, who fortunately does not notice. 

   When Elias drops into the seat next to Lari, he tries to get Lari’s attention, but Lari refuses to look at him. Lari tries instead to listen the teacher’s instructions, but it’s very difficult when the wonderful scent of Elias is all around him, hindering his concentration. 

   ‘Did you bathe in cologne or something?’ Lari snaps irritated for being affected by it and then he very reluctantly shifts his gaze from the teacher to Elias.

   Elias looks at him funnily, looking like he’s trying hard not to laugh. _Bastard_ , Lari thinks sullenly.

   ‘No I did not,’ Elias answers, all the traces of amusement gone from his face. He then concentrates on his pencil, which he uses to copy the instructions from the board.  

   Lari blinks at him and then scowls. He, too, starts to write down the instructions and therefore does not notice the tiny little smile that forms on the corner of Elias’ mouth. 

The lesson goes by quickly, which is more that fine with Lari, and he’s surprised that he and Elias have managed to get along – for the lack of better word. They have not shouted at each other and even the insults have stayed quite mild. Though it might be because the teacher has been keeping an extra close eye on them, but still – it is progress. But not that Lari wants any progress, definitely not.

   After the class, Lari takes his time packing his things and is the last one to leave the classroom. Just outside the door, he notices something white from the corner of his eye. He stops and takes a look: it’s a piece of paper lying alone on the floor. Lari glances around and when he sees no one, he hesitantly picks it up. Then he wishes that he hadn’t. _Go for it!_ the note in his hand urges with that same dark blue cursive font than the last two. 

   ‘Go for what?’ he asks with a resigned voice. Apparently there is no escaping the notes. Lari pockets it and heads outside, desperately needing to cool his thoughts. 

At home Lari opens his computer and then a word processing program. He chooses the now familiar font and writes three lines: 

_I know what you want, for I’ve seen it in your eyes_

_It’s not impossible to have what you want_

_Go for it!  
_

He hopes that it’ll make more sense if he puts all the messages together. So... Someone has seen something in his eyes, thinks he wants it and then encourages him to act on it. It takes a moment for everything to click. 

_Oh no!_ Lari groans to himself, _someone thinks I’m in love with that frigging faggot!  
_

Then an impossible thought penetrates his mind: _Am I?_

   ‘No,’ Lari says forcefully out loud. But still the uneasy feeling stays with him for the rest of the day.

In the morning he has decided that the notes have nothing to do with his imagined feelings towards Elias, but something else entirely. Yes, that’s right. 

   When there’s a fourth one sitting innocently inside of his school locker, he spins around with the note in his hand. 

   ‘Who the bloody hell keeps sending me these stupid fucking notes?’ he demands angrily, shaking the piece of paper containing words he hasn’t read yet.

   Nobody answers him, but then everyone start smirking and sniggering. Lari fumes, his face reddening as he slams the locker door shut before storming away. _Now everyone thinks I’m getting sappy letters from some simpering girl. Great!_ he thinks, feeling embarrassed. 

   He goes to the nearest bathroom, locks himself inside of an empty cubicle, and very reluctantly takes a look at the note. The same font mocks him as it says:

_Afraid to admit it, are you?_

‘Fuck,’ he sighs. Then he rips the paper, throws the pieces in the toilet and flushes them away. As he leaves, one piece remains floating on the water containing one word: _Afraid._

Later during the day Lari literally collides with Elias, causing the boy to drop the book he was carrying. Lari, already furious, completely loses his temper at the sight of him. Before the boy has time to pick up his book, Lari grasps his shirt collar and starts shouting at him. Lari isn’t really aware of what he’s actually spewing as he’s staring straight into Elias’ startled, deep blue eyes. _No one can have eyes like that_ , he thinks to himself.  

   At some point Elias loses the startled look and begins to look amused instead. It angers Lari even more and he starts spouting more insults to the boy, using all of his imagination and finally gets Elias riled up.  

   The situation ends when a teacher suddenly hauls Lari forcefully off from Elias. There’s a rather large crowd gathered around them, Lari is surprised to see. He didn’t notice them before. 

   ‘Damn that Vikstedt,’ he mutters.   

His already terrible day gets a fitting end when he finds himself in detention an hour later. Lari didn’t think the day could get any worse, but as he packs away his pen after the detention ends, there’s something in his backpack that causes him to close his eyes in frustration and take a very deep breath. He then takes the note out and reads it. 

_It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know.  
_

‘Who the hell are you?’ he asks the note and crumbles it when it refuses to answer. He has no idea how the note got into his bag, which is disturbing, since he never lets it out of his sight. 

   When he later adds the two newest notes to his list, he decides that he’s had enough. He reads through the list couple of more times, but can’t get anything more out of it than yesterday. Perhaps he should answer to the note-writer to get some more information. But the problem is... how? He still has no clue who is sending them.

   In the end he writes his own message and pins the paper on the school notice board first thing in the morning when he arrives at school. 

          _Alright, I admit it! Happy now?_ his note reads.

Of course he doesn’t mean what he wrote – he just wants to know what the note-writer does next after receiving his consent. 

The answer to that comes later the same day, when there’s a folded piece of paper sitting on his table as he enters his last class of the day. Intrigued, Lari eagerly unfolds it and reads the message that is longer than usually.

_How clever of you to find a way to send me a note back. However, I’m a little reluctant to believe your words._

Lari lets out a frustrated sound and by that he earns the focus of the other students inside the room. Lari ignores them and turns the note around. He sits down and pens his return message on it. 

          _I did mean it. What can I do to prove it to you?  
_

He’s going to put the note back to the notice board before going home. He _will_ figure it all out. 

Next morning he wakes up early and is surprised at how much he’s anticipating at discovering a new note from the writer. Of course he can’t know for sure that there will be one already; the writer hasn’t necessarily even seen Lari’s message yet.

   Still, the first thing he does upon arriving is to check the notice board. When he gets there, he discovers that both of his messages have disappeared. He hopes that it was the writer, who removed them and not someone else. 

   The next stop is his locker. Lari opens the door with nervous hands, both hopeful and afraid to see what’s inside. There is a note! Lari snags it and reads it, anticipation making his heart pump his blood furiously. _  
_

_I’ll have to think of something. I will get back to you once I’ve decided.  
_

Lari is disappointed at having to wait, but is determined to figure out the identity of the one person constantly screwing up his head with notes that contain ridiculous assumptions.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three  
**

Lari stares at the lines he has written to his computer – again. He wrote the message of the last note over a week ago, which means that he hasn’t received any new ones. He’s feeling a little smug at having silenced the writer, but also frustrated at not having figured out who it is.  

   Therefore he decides to test the ice by pinning a new note to the notice board. It simply has one question in it: 

          _Have you forgotten about me?  
_

Whilst Lari waits for a possible reply, he continues to do what he always does nowadays: hangs out with friends, bullies Tale, scowls/glares/swears at Elias and flirts with various girls. When Lari finally gets an answer a day and a half later, he feels exhilarated at his success. The return note says: 

          _Believe me; I could not forget about you even if I wanted to.  
_

Again it’s not what Lari hoped, but at least it’s something. The note-writer is clearly someone, who can’t forget about him, whatever that means. Is it a friend? A victim of his? An admirer? There are too many damn options. Lari is disappointed, but does not want to give up. He’s going get to the bottom of this, one way or the other. 

   The next day he feels bold and gives the writer another note, in which he again asks one very simple question: 

          _Who are you?  
_

Lari is certain that he won’t be getting an answer to that question, but he hopes that he’ll get something. And again he waits and does what he does. 

   Elias _– when was the last time I really thought about that freak?_ Lari wonders, feeling pleased – seems to be a little distracted nowadays. Lari has noticed that, even though the writer has occupied most of his thoughts. Of course Lari is not interested in the reasons for Elias’ behaviour, but he’s still a bit curious. Elias’ replies to his insults are too half-arsed to be taken seriously. 

   ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ Lari demands two days later, when he sees Elias frowning at the notice board, blocking his way. ‘Move your ass!’ 

   ‘Sorry,’ Elias apologises politely, but then seems to realise to whom he’s actually speaking and sighs. 

   Lari glances at the board and sees his latest note still there, covered a little by other newer notices. He looks at Elias suspiciously. 

   ‘What are you looking at?’ he asks warily. 

   Elias stares at him like he’s... some kind of unintelligent animal.

   ‘That one, obviously,’ he says slowly and points towards the note he’s talking about. 

   Lari looks and sighs in relief. For a moment he seriously thought that Elias is the one sending him the notes. _Ridiculous._ Elias was not looking at Lari’s note but the schedule of morning assemblies starting next week. 

   ‘Right,’ Lari mumbles and is more than a little disconcerted that his name is the second one on the list. It’s Friday today, so he has only four days left to make his.

   ‘Don’t tell me you haven’t even started yet,’ Elias says to him, smirking. 

   Lari tears his eyes away from the name list in favour of looking at Elias. 

   ‘Of course I have,’ he claims arrogantly and departs, leaving the still smirking Elias behind him.

The next week is pure torture – and not only because of the boring morning assemblies. Some of the girls Lari was flirting with earlier are constantly bothering him and they all want to go on a date with him! He coldly refuses all of them and drops the flirting, because it obviously has much more cons than pros. The though of going out with any of those girls is... He shudders in disgust, not even wanting to think about it. 

   The note-writer remains silent the entire week and Lari thinks that she – or he – has finally given up. It’s a bit disappointing, but Lari believes that he’s going to be a lot happier without the weird notes. 

   On the next day Lari still has to deal with a few date offers, but what’s worse is that he has lost his phone. He searches for it everywhere; anxiously tracing back his steps, but still can’t find it anywhere. _If someone takes a look at the content..._ Lari shudders and almost wails in despair. He knows he should’ve deleted that picture of Elias, which he took at the party back in August. But he just couldn’t make himself to press delete, even though he has tried many times. And now someone has stolen it. 

   He’s very nervous for the rest of the day, half expecting someone to jump in front of him and shout that Lari has a photo of dripping wet Elias on his phone. And then he suddenly remembers what happened after the first class... He was walking, calmly heading outside, searching his backpack for something, when he bumped into someone and fell, scattering his things around himself on the floor. Elias was one of them, and Janne, Iida, Tale and that weird girl... Martta or Marleena or something. 

   A very terrifying conclusion comes to his mind: _it was one of them._ Lari is sure of it. He’s both anxious and furious. How dare they take his things? He plans to confront them right away, one at the time, and demand the returning of his phone. 

   But first he goes to put his extra books to his locker. When he opens the door with his key, there’s a surprise waiting inside: his phone and on top of it, a folded piece of paper. Lari takes it and opens it with trepidation.

          _Sorry about taking it. I promise that no harm came to it.  
_

Lari angrily crumbles the note. It was the first one in a week. Why did the writer take his phone? The writer – _is one of them five!_ he suddenly realises. It has to be. But who...? Janne can be counted out immediately and Iida, too. Why would she bother sending him notes, when they are not exactly friendly – haven’t been since Iida broke up with him. Tale is spiteful enough to do something like sending the notes, but he’s not subtle enough. Tale’s little girlfriend is too good for stealing, or at least that’s what Lari thinks.

   So the only possible conclusion is Elias. Of course. He hates Lari almost as much as Lari hates him and could definitely be the note-writer. Lari isn’t even contemplating why Elias would do that or what he hopes to accomplish with it. He doesn’t need to; he _knows_ that it’s Elias. 

   And Elias is going to pay for that. 

* 

_December 15 th, 2012   
_

_Dear diary,  
_

_I stole Lari’s phone today. Well, not really, but I did take it without permission. I was walking with my friends and then Lari was there in front of us cursing at something or the other. I’m not entirely sure who it was that bumped into him, but the result was Lari lying on the ground and his things were decorating the floor. We all – well, some of us really – started to help him gather them and I just happened to sneak his phone into my pocket without anyone noticing._

_And I found something surprising during my free period, when I had a change to study it. I know it’s wrong to violate his privacy, but I was curious – and desperate! Lari is way too stubborn for his own good. Anyway, I saw that Lari has a very interesting photo on his phone. Very interesting indeed, and very, very promising! I know exactly what to do now: Lari is going to get a delicious Christmas present from me! I have to make sure he opens it in private though... But I may have figured that out already._

_Of course I returned the phone to him – with a note. Lari is very anxious about that I’m sure. He really should’ve known better than to keep the photo...  
_

* 

December nears its end and the Christmas holiday begins after a gruelling amount of exhausting exams. Lari thinks that he did well considering his busy life with constant hockey training and planning his revenge on Elias.

   The Christmas holiday is Lari’s second favourite time of the year – the most favourite being, naturally, the summer holiday. He and his father spend the Christmas together just the two of them like always. Lari doesn’t have to worry about anything – except his father’s inquiries about girlfriends – and he can just relax and take it easy for about two weeks. 

   They have one Christmas tradition that they do every year. Lari’s late mother always insisted that they go to the church on Christmas and Lari’s father Ilkka always complained about having to waste an hour listening to some priest’s boring tirade. But after she passed away, Ilkka always went to the church and never once complained again. He still doesn’t as they sit down and wait for the service to begin. 

   After the dull service ends, they visit the graveyard together. It’s always a very special and bittersweet moment for Lari, talking to his mother’s gravestone about his life: the joys, sorrows and the inner turmoil that he has, the one he never dares to admit to anyone else – not even to himself. His father gives him privacy and Lari does the same when it’s Ilkka’s turn. 

   They return home from the chilly weather to eat some ready made Christmas foods and later they open the presents. The pile under their sparsely decorated plastic tree is small – it always is nowadays. But Lari always receives the most important things he has wished and Ilkka seems happy about the gift Lari gave him. 

   Lari still has one more gift to go, which he intentionally saved as the last one. But he’s not sure if he even wants to open it – especially in the presence of his father. He can recognise the writing on the card, wishing him deliciously merry Christmas. The note-writer – _Elias_ , Lari corrects himself – has sent him a present. It’s light, but surprisingly large. It looks like a thin box of the size of a photo frame like the one around a photo taken of him when he was a toddler. 

   At his father’s urging, Lari starts reluctantly to open the red paper around it and tries not to show him his nervousness. When he gets the paper off, there’s a second layer of the same paper under the first one – with a note. 

_I recommend that you open this only if you’re alone_ , the note says.

There’s no way he can open it in front of his father now. But if he doesn’t his father will wonder why. Lari is in luck, however, when just then his father’s phone rings. Ilkka mumbediately takes advantage of his father’s departure and escapes to his own room with the unopened present. He rips the paper off and gasps when he sees what’s inside. His hands are shaking and his heart beating fast as he stares at the beautiful picture in his hands. He knows it very well; it’s the one he took himself, the one he looks at every day, the one which Elias stole from his phone. 

   It’s much larger than the original and brighter. The photo-Elias’ eyes shine and his muscles are visible underneath the wet white shirt, and the jeans are moulded to his thighs. The frame around the photo is simple but nice and Lari wishes that he could hang it to his wall, but knows that he can’t. He caresses photo-Elias’ face softly and sighs. Then he slides it upside down under his wardrobe. 

   He returns to the living room, where his father gives him greetings from Lari’s uncle and asks him about the present. Lari tells him that it was a prank from his hockey friends so humiliating that he wants no one to see it. To Lari’s immense relief, his father believes him. 

* 

_January 18 th, 2013   
_

_Dear diary,_

_My plan clearly didn’t work. Well, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really think it would. But I did hope. I knew Lari was in denial but that the level of it is so deep... That was a surprise. It is so clear what he feels, for it’s there in his eyes for all the world to see – if only the world bothered to look. How can no one not have noticed is beyond me!_

_I hoped that Lari would react somehow to the notes, that he would do something about it, but no. Well... He did, I guess, but I didn’t expect him to start that flirting game – or maybe I should’ve. This is Lari after all. I hoped that the Christmas hols at least would do something to help; I even sent him that very obvious present. Why does Lari have to be so stubborn?_

_A different approach is the thing I need now. And come tomorrow, that’s exactly how it shall be. I think I know just the thing!_

* 

Lari is feeling suspicious, because Elias is behaving very strangely. Lari still hasn’t come up with a proper plan to take his revenge on him, but is determined to figure something out before the end of January. He has also been wondering how Elias can be so delusional that he thinks Lari is interested in him. And why does Elias want Lari to make the first move, instead of doing it himself? 

   Lari has no idea and now Elias keeps staring at him – _all the time!_ It’s very unnerving. Especially, because Elias stares at him like a very difficult puzzle he desperately wants to complete. Lari tries his best to ignore it, but it’s very challenging. _Why does he have to look so frigging delectable?_ Lari curses and pretends that he can’t notice the staring whilst text messaging with Janne, who didn’t bother to come to school today. 

   After sending the message, he looks up to see what time it is from the big clock on the wall, when his heart is suddenly attempting to strangle him. The reason is Elias, who is _snogging_ with some brunet. Lari doesn’t know who it is, but the sight of that brown hair is enough to make his blood boil. 

   He almost throws his phone into his backpack and marches determinately towards the still lip-locked couple without really being aware of it. Lari forcefully pulls at Elias’ shoulder and spins him around, not caring about the indignant protests of the creepy brunet. 

   ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ Lari demands outrageously. 

   Elias’ eyes are wide with surprise, but after Lari’s question, he smirks. 

   ‘Why do you care?’ Elias asks with a curious tone of voice. 

   Lari blinks and then realises where he is and what he’s doing. 

   ‘I don’t,’ he immediately denies, let’s go of Elias and storms off. He feels angry, yes, but also embarrassed. Why does he care who Elias decides to snog with? _This doesn’t make any sense... Those notes have confused me_ , he decides and makes his way outside. Then he remembers that the notes are Elias’ fault, too. Unsurprisingly it does nothing to improve his dark mood. 

The next day is Friday and Lari has plans with Janne in the evening, which is hopefully going to help him clear his head. But first he has to survive the last school day of the week.

   The brunet creep from yesterday is supposedly not Elias’ new boyfriend, Lari is pleased to see. Or that’s what he gathers from the evil looks the creep sends to Elias throughout the day. Elias keeps ignoring them and also Lari, which is a relief, but still Lari can’t help but feel a little disappointed. He wonders why Elias suddenly stopped staring at him.

   Surprisingly the day advances very smoothly with nothing out of the ordinary happening. Though Iida does look a little sour and frustrated, which might be because Janne is still not at school. But then Lari notices that Iida is looking at Elias like she wants nothing more than to smack him up the head. _Trouble in paradise?_ Lari wonders gleefully.

   He spends the rest of the school day thinking about the evening. His father is going away in business, so Lari has the whole apartment all to himself and Janne is going to come with plenty of alcohol – courtesy of Janne’s older brother, already of age. Lari and Janne are just going to have fun and forget all about school and other possible worries. Especially one blond boy called Elias. 

   Their last lesson of the day is math, which Lari hates, and he is one of the first ones out of the classroom when the teacher announces that they can leave. 

   He is about two hundred metres away from the school yard, when he hears someone running after him. Then there’s a hand on his shoulder and a breathless voice asking him to wait. Lari turns curiously around and then wishes he wouldn’t have: it’s Elias.

   ‘What do you want?’ Lari asks, frustrated that he has to waste time listening to Elias, and also a little afraid, but at the same time he can’t help but feel hopeful, too. ‘I’m in a hurry.’

   ‘This won’t take long,’ Elias says and his voice is a lot stronger than a moment ago. Lari notices Elias’ eyes looking at him intently and takes an involuntary step back before he can stop himself. Elias follows him by taking a step forwards and then takes Lari’s face between his palms. Lari gasps and then Elias’ lips are on his. Lari closes his eyes and curses at the butterflies who instantly invade his insides.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Lari notices abruptly that he’s actually answering to Elias’ kiss enthusiastically, but at that moment he doesn’t care. The lips that are kissing him are very different than any others he has kissed. Whilst Iida’s lips were fuller and softer, Elias’ are more demanding, stronger and lacking the sticky goo almost always covering Iida’s lips. Lari much prefers these.

   Just as he is about to put his hands around the body in front of him and deepen the kiss, those warm lips suddenly disappear. Lari opens his eyes and is disappointed to see Elias’ already retreating back. 

   ‘What the fuck was that about?’ he yells after him. _Why are you leaving?_ is what he really wants to ask. 

   Elias turns around to wink at him before continuing on his way, leaving Lari standing dumbfounded behind him. Lari swears in annoyance and frustration, feeling the butterflies still fluttering madly inside him and his heart is trying to escape from his chest.

   He tires to squash the stupid insects and forget all about what just happened. It was nothing. Luckily Janne is coming over in a few hours and he along with his souvenirs can – no, _will_ – help Lari forget. 

   He starts walking rapidly towards his home and is satisfied that the butterflies have almost entirely diminished by the time he arrives there. But his lips are still tingling and he presses them furiously together, trying desperately to get rid of the disturbingly pleasant sensation that Elias’ touch left behind. 

Getting Elias’ unexpected kiss away from his mind is much more easily said than done. Lari can’t help but remember the enchanting feeling of another guy’s lips against his own. And not just any guy’s but _Elias’_. To make things worse, Janne is late, which gives Lari more time to dwell on the kiss. Therefore it comes as a no surprise that when the doorbell finally rings, Lari shoots up from the couch and practically runs to the door.

   ‘What the hell took you so long?’ he demands when he gets the door open. ‘You were supposed to be here 25 minutes ago!’ 

   ‘Jeez, chill,’ Janne grumbles and forces his way past Lari, ‘I had to sneak out, my mum was home.’ 

   Lari closes the door and follows Janne to the living room and as soon as Janne releases his heavy-looking bag and drops it on the table, Lari dives inside of it.

   ‘You seem to be in a hurry,’ Janne observes, amusement clear in his voice.

   ‘You have no idea,’ Lari replies and opens the canned beer that he finds. He swallows half of the contents with one go. 

   ‘So, what’s up?’ Janne questions and takes a beer himself. 

   ‘Nothing,’ Lari lies, drinks the rest of his beer and takes another one. 

   ‘Yeah, because that’s exactly what it looks like,’ Janne comments sarcastically. 

   Lari shrugs and then sighs in resignation. ‘Nothing’s wrong... not really,’ he says heavily. 

   ‘Oh? Is it because of some girl? You seemed to have quite a group of them recently,’ Janne questions immediately, his interest obviously piqued.

   ‘No,’ Lari says.

   ‘Are you sure?’ Janne asks then, frowning sceptically.

   Lari simply nods his head, not wanting to get into it anymore than he already has. This evening is supposed to make him forget Elias, not open up to Janne. 

   ‘Okay... Well, if it’s not about a girl, then perhaps a guy instead?’ Janne suggests and causes Lari to almost choke on his drink.

   ‘What?!’ he manages to splutter between coughs _. I can’t be that obvious, can I?_ he panics inside of his head. 

   Janne laughs at his reaction. ‘What’s wrong with you today? It was only a joke for god’s sake!’ 

   Lari finally gets his airway properly unclogged and can breathe normally again. ‘Ha ha, very funny,’ he grumbles and mentally sighs in relief. ‘How’s things with Iida?’ he then asks, wanting to change the subject. 

   ‘Well,’ Janne begins and sits down on the couch, ‘we’re doing absolutely splendid!’

   ‘That’s good,’ Lari says, sitting down himself. 

   ‘Yeah, it’s a really good thing that she got bored with you and came back to me...’ 

They continue to talk about Iida and then school, moving on to NHL, which’s new season finally began about a week ago, and then to ice hockey in general. The amount of empty beverage cans on the table steadily increases and the boys are getting more and more intoxicated. 

   ‘So... Any chicks in sight? Janne asks after opening his umpteenth beer. 

   ‘No,’ Lari says shortly and takes a huge gulp of his own drink. He really wishes that Janne would stop talking about it. Of course Lari knew that his friend would ask, but that doesn’t mean that he has to like it. He also has a very strong suspicion that Janne deliberately waited until Lari was drunk enough to let his guard down a bit, before continuing his prying questions. 

   ‘And why’s that?’ Janne presses and lifts his eyebrows in interest.

   _Has he been drinking at all?_ Lari wonders, for Janne acts very soberly. ‘That’s none of your damn business,’ Lari snaps more harshly than he intended. 

   ‘Alright, calm down,’ Janne then says and looks at him oddly. 

   ‘Sorry,’ Lari mumbles, ‘it’s just...’

   ‘Just what? C’mon, you can tell me, I’m your mate aren’t I?’ Janne encourages, putting his hand on Lari’s shoulder. 

   Lari sighs. _Why does Janne have to be so persisement... presisteny... persistent dammit?!_ he curses mentally. 

   ‘Okay,’ Lari relents and tries to put his thoughts into words. ‘There’s this one b— one who I might, you know, like like, really like, see, but h— I mean to say that it’s just that when... I can’t be who, well like that _that_ you know... And then it’s like this feeling, it’s so good you know? But it just couldn’t... Nobody would get it that it’s not like _that_ that, but still I wonder, but... There’s no use, it can’t be. And then I think that it could, you know, if we like... if we were like, I don’t know, but it just... I mean it kills me to be feeling like this!’ 

   ‘Right...’ Janne drawls, scratching his head. ‘You do realise that I couldn’t understand a thing of what you just said?’ 

   ‘That’s just it!’ Lari exclaims and runs his hand through his hair in agitation. ‘Nobody does!’ 

    Janne merely stares at him with furrowed brows and Lari groans, burying his face in his hands. ‘I know, I know...’ he then whispers pathetically.

   ‘So,’ Janne begins, ‘you are interested in someone then?’ 

   Lari nods, feeling miserable. This night was a very bad idea, he knows that. He also knows that opening up to Janne would help tremendously, but he just can’t tell anyone – he doesn’t even really know what to tell! 

   ‘Alright... Then, what’s the problem?’ Janne asks gently. 

   Lari sighs. ‘It’s... complicated,’ he says.

   ‘Isn’t love always?’ Janne then says and opens up another beer, giving it to Lari. 

   Lari accepts it and then realises what Janne just suggested. ‘I’m not in love!’ he protests, his misery transformed into distraught. There’s now way in hell that his feelings are so deep... It can’t be true, it just can’t... 

   ‘It looks like you are,’ Janne says and Lari is happy that he doesn’t hear anything but sympathy in his friend’s voice. 

   ‘Oh, hell...’ Lari bemoans. _What am I going to do now?_

On Saturday morning, Lari wakes up feeling horrible. Not just mentally, but physically as well. He can remember everything from yesterday, everything. From Elias’ sudden kiss to... He isn’t sure if he ever will have the courage to be alone with Janne again. Lari can remember that after realising that he is indeed in love with Elias, he got terribly weepy. Janne escorted him into his bed and then left. But that’s not the worst of it – not even close! Because immediately after he closed his eyes, Lari is afraid that he said Elias’ name in the presence of his friend...

   ‘I’ll never drink again,’ he mumbles against his pillow. He is thankful that it’s weekend, because he doesn’t have to face anyone in two days if he doesn’t want to. Unfortunately his father would be coming home later in the evening, but Lari thinks that he’ll be feeling much better then, so Ilkka shouldn’t notice that anything is amiss. 

   He sits up, groaning at the painful pounding in his head. He then goes to the kitchen to make something light for breakfast and hopes that he can keep it down. 

   When the dreaded Monday arrives, Lari very reluctantly drags his feet towards the school. The weather suits his depressed mood perfectly: it’s grey and raining, melting the snow, so the streets are covered with slush. 

   Once he gets to his destination, he puts on his mask and acts like he always does. No one can see the turmoil inside of him. His plan works surprisingly well: the hockey gang doesn’t suspect anything and Janne treats him exactly like he always does. Lari has of course seen Elias, but the blond seems to be pretending that Lari doesn’t exist and that’s fine by him. The less they interact, the better it is for everyone, including Lari himself, no matter how much it bothers him that Elias is completely ignoring him. 

   When the last lesson ends, Lari sighs in relief – he has survived. 

Life seems to have returned to normal. Lari isn’t receiving any weird notes, he avoids Elias and plays hockey. Everything’s perfect. Except that it isn’t. It’s been over two weeks since the kiss and yet it still haunts his dreams. His heart aches for Elias, but Lari refuses to indulge it. He will just have to squash all those strange feelings, that’s all. 

   And when he finally decides to stop pining and move on, of course Elias has to accost him just then. How bloody typical. Luckily it at least happens in a deserted corridor. 

   ‘Why have you been ignoring me?’ Elias asks petulantly, folding his arms. 

   Lari stares at him, taking in his appearance. ‘You’ve cut your hair,’ he blurts and then wants to smack his forehead against the nearest wall. 

   ‘Well, yeah...’ Elias frowns and looks a little lost all of a sudden. 

   ‘And it’s you, who has been ignoring me,’ Lari tells him then, unconsciously softening his voice and taking a small step forwards. 

   ‘Have not,’ Elias says, now sounding distracted as he looks Lari in the eyes.

   After thinking about it so long, Lari decides to be brave and starts to lean forwards, bringing his lips closer to Elias’. The other boy doesn’t retreat and Lari takes that as a positive sign. Finally their lips touch and at once both start to kiss hungrily with tongues and teeth and all, grabbing at each others clothes and rubbing their groins together.

   The moment gets ruined by the bell, announcing the end of their 15 minute break. Lari untangles himself from Elias as fast as he can and backs away, his eyes wide with fear. 

   ‘Don’t go!’ Elias pleads.

   Lari looks at him, distressed. Soon the corridor would be full of people, coming back in to attend their next class... 

   ‘Let’s cut school,’ Lari suggest and a pleasant sensation fills his stomach when Elias smiles and nods enthusiastically as a reply.

   ‘I have an empty home,’ Elias says then and that’s all Lari needs to hear. They leave. 

Lari is nervous when they finally manage to find Elias’ room and fumble out of their clothes. He doesn’t know much about gay sex, but of course he doesn’t admit that to Elias. He has once heard his gang speaking in disgust about how gays put cocks into arseholes. Lari shudders inwardly as he thinks about it. 

   He turns to face the bed, where a naked Elias is already waiting for him. Lari finds his eyes moving over Elias’ body, over his chest and abs, stopping to stare the boy’s hard erection. It’s not nearly as big as his own, but still quite impressive and – he licks his lips – sexy.

    ‘You do know what you’re supposed to do, right? Elias asks. Lari looks back up, blushing at having been caught staring at _that_ , and Elias pierces him with his deep blue eyes.

   ‘Yes,’ Lari answers confidently and sits on the bed. 

   ‘Good,’ Elias says a little breathlessly, turns around and gets to all fours. 

   Lari moves hesitantly behind Elias, anticipation making his limbs shake. He reaches gently to caress Elias’ arse cheek and hears the boy’s soft, happy sigh. Encouraged by his reaction, Lari spreads the cheeks in front of him and gazes speculatively at the little wrinkled ring of muscle he’s supposed to penetrate. The though is both intimidating and exciting at the same time. 

   Reaching to take the lube bottle Elias has placed on the bed, Lari carefully screws the cap open and squeezes some of the clear substance onto his palm. He wonders what he’s supposed to do with it, but almost immediately mentally slaps himself. Then he spreads the gel over his hardness and shivers at the sensations it causes. 

   He moves closer to Elias and grips his hip with his left hand. With the right hand he positions himself and takes deep breath. _I can’t believe I’m doing this_ , he says to himself, but knows that he really, really wants to. 

   He presses, lightly at first, against Elias’ arse and then pushes in with one hard thrust, causing Elias to scream in agony. 

   At first Lari doesn’t notice anything else but the overwhelming feeling of his cock being squeezed in a very tight channel. His breath is coming in gasps and his head is spinning with pleasure of the kind he’s never experienced before. 

   When Elias yells him to get it out, Lari finally registers the world around him again and pulls quickly out of Elias, his face red with embarrassment. _What did I do wrong?_ he wonders anxiously.

   Elias’ heavy sobs and laborious breathing are too much for Lari to hear and he dresses quickly, glances once more at the suffering boy on the bed still on his hands and knees, and makes his escape. 

Once at home, Lari locks himself into his room and opens his computer. He goes to google and very reluctantly types the words he never thought he would ever write – or even think. Over the next two hours, he learns everything there is to know about preparation, prostate and – _rimming_. 

   Feeling stupid and embarrassed at his poor attempt of having sex with Elias, he clears the browsing history twice to get rid of all the evidence. _Next time I’ll do it right_ , he swears and then stops. Does he really want to try again – to have gay sex? 

   ‘Yes,’ he says out loud, ‘I really do want to.’ Then he reaches under his closet to take out the photo he treasures almost as much as those of his mother. 

   ‘I won’t disappoint you again,’ he tells the photo-Elias and hugs the frame tightly to his chest, closing his eyes. He wishes that he had the real Elias there next to him instead of a mere photo. But even more than that, he wishes he had someone to talk to, someone to whom he could tell all about his feelings and confusion. His eyes open and find the beautiful photo of his mother on his nightstand and Lari looks at it, feeling more alone than in a long time.

He feels very self-conscious at school the next day. It feels like just by looking at him, everyone can tell what he did yesterday. He has checked many times that it doesn’t actually read on his forehead or something. He hasn’t seen Elias yet and wonders what’s going to happen when he does. Will Elias be angry or just disappointed?  

   Lari goes sullenly to his seat, not bothering to explain his mood to his inquisitive gang, who really should mind their own business. If they knew what’s going on inside his head... He doesn’t even want to think about the nightmare it would cause, if they ever found out. 

   Just then Elias comes in and Lari’s focus immediately turns to him. Elias’ walking is a little off, he notices and blushes. Then he winces in sympathy when he sees Elias sitting down eyes screwed shut and lips pressed tightly together. He is obviously in pain and Lari is very much aware why. He feels his face redden even more and he has to turn his gaze away from Elias, for he doesn’t want to be caught staring. 

   Too late! Iida is frowning speculatively, her eyes sliding from Elias to him and back again, far too long. Then there’s a strange little glint in her eyes when she finally looks away. _Oh shit, has she noticed something?!_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

As the days go on and there’s nothing weird or suspicious in Iida’s behaviour, Lari believes that he just imagined seeing something odd in her expression. And because there are no rumours, it makes it even more likely that no one knows. Not a soul – except him and Elias and since Elias is the note-writer (Lari makes a mental note to question him about it), nothing’s wrong.

   He and Elias haven’t been in contact much, but when they have been, they’ve made the most of it. Meaning snogging in secluded places of the school and in the dark corners of various buildings when outside. They haven’t been attempting to have sex again, though. Lari was very relieved when Elias told him that he isn’t mad at him. Still Lari had apologised profusely and promised that he has learnt from his mistakes.

It takes them another week and a half before they try again. They are in Elias’ home again and Lari is very nervous, again. But Elias seems to be feeling determined and it comforts him.

   ‘Last time was disastrous, I admit,’ Elias says as he throws his shirt somewhere in the direction of his desk, ‘but this time we’ll be doing it right.’

   Lari nods, for he doesn’t want to hurt Elias again. Fortunately this time he knows what he’s supposed to do, so he’s confident that he won’t screw it up.

   But it seems that Elias has something different in his mind when he commands Lari to take off his clothes, lie down and spread his legs. _Shit_ , Lari thinks anxiously, _I can’t do it that way!_

   Yet he still divests himself of his clothes, climbs on the bed and sinks down on the mattress with a pillow under his ass. He has to close his eyes when he feels Elias’ weight dipping the bed and he feels very uncomfortable and exposed. Then there are warm hands gently touching his knees and thighs. Lari breathes deeply and opens his eyes, only to find Elias’ smiling face looming above him.

   ‘Relax,’ Elias whispers and leans down to press his lips softly against Lari’s.

   Lari answers to the kiss and feels himself relaxing – he loves kissing Elias. And then he tenses again, when he feels something blunt and wet down _there_.

   ‘Relax,’ Elias repeats against his lips and then moves to drop little kisses all over Lari’s chest and stomach.

   Lari finds it difficult to decide to which feelings he wants to concentrate on: the foreign feeling of Elias finger in his arse or the feathery light little kisses on his upper body. But when Elias’ other hand grips Lari’s half-hard cock, all of his focus immediately goes there. He barely even realises that Elias adds another finger and then a third, scissoring them to stretch him for something much larger.

   The sound of his heavy breathing fills the room and Lari feels himself more relaxed than ever. Elias is wanking him slowly and his fingers are still fucking him. And then Lari’s hips jerk off the bed and he gasps when Elias’ fingers hit something magnificent inside of him. And Elias keeps hitting that spot over and over again, rendering Lari into an incoherent mess. He’s wailing and moaning and squirming, but he doesn’t care, because Elias is making him experience sensations like he never could have imagined.

   He actually complains out loud when Elias withdraws his fingers. But then there’s something much larger and blunter squeezing in and Lari’s euphoria disappears. It hurts like fuck, the burning feeling so unbearably painful... Elias’ hand finds his cock again and starts to stroke it back to hardness and Lari gradually relaxes again, when he starts to get used to the fullness and the burning begins to dissipate.

   When Elias abandons Lari’s cock and grabs his hips, Lari starts to wank himself whilst Elias begins to move, and Lari forgets all about any lingering pain – it feels so frigging good! He finally lets himself go, gives himself to Elias wholly and just enjoys until they both reach their climax...

When Elias is taking a shower, Lari dresses himself and then sits on the bed. He isn’t able to totally suppress a wince when his sore bottom presses against the mattress. Elias’ clothes are still haphazardly lying on the floor and bedcovers are a mess. Everything he sees – and smells – are a solid proof of what just happened.

   Lari shifts a little awkwardly and his mind plays him images and sounds from what he just did. It was amazing, yes, but… It was also so wrong. Why does he have to be so weak that he cannot keeps his hands off of Elias and why does he have to dream about the boy almost every night? Why has his heart chosen Elias?

   He gets up and starts pacing around the small clear place on the floor. Feeling agitated, he runs his fingers through his hair, but suddenly stops moving when he sees something on top of Elias’ desk.

   That something is partly hidden under an uneven stack of paper and books. It’s undoubtedly a folded piece of paper, but what bothers Lari is the writing on it. Only two letters are visible, but Lari would recognise the font and colour anywhere.

   His mind rapidly comes to two conclusions: one, his note-writer may not be Elias after all and two, both Elias and the writer are conspiring against him! Lari grasps the partly hidden paper and sees Elias’ name and the date January 19th written on top of it. He hesitates before opening it. Does he really want to know what it says? In the end, however, his curiosity wins and he sits down to read it.

      _Dear Elias,_

_I have been trying to convince Lari to make the first move, but by now it’s obvious that he never will. You on the other hand are much braver and most importantly, not in denial. Or are you? Anyway, Lari Väänänen is hopelessly lusting after you. He stares at you constantly, no matter where he is and with whom. Even when he was with his girlfriend, his attention was always on you._

_He still looks for you and if you are not there, a tiny frown will appear between his eyebrows. And if you are there, he will get stuck staring at you and there’s such a longing in his eyes that it’s pathetic – and kind of sad. I know that Lari himself isn’t really aware of this, for he is so deep in his sea of denial that it’s a surprise that he hasn’t drowned in it yet._

_Still not convinced? Well, when you were with Ville, Lari was acting like a murderous tornado. He was always angry, to everyone, and especially to you. His jealousy was so obvious that I can’t believe that nobody noticed. And when you broke up with Ville, Lari was suddenly back to his normal self again. If you still don’t believe me, I dare you to kiss someone in front of him._

_I have been sending him encouraging notes, but either he hasn’t understood them or is just too stubborn to allow himself to do anything. Maybe I should’ve begun with you in the first place, but I just didn’t think that Lari’s denial was so bad._

_And you... I know you fancy Lari, the way your eyes admire his muscled body every time you see him. And the look on your eyes... it’s like that of a lost puppy. You also complain about him constantly! Lari may be a bit of an idiot on the outside, but I happen to know that he’s a very decent person to those he lets close enough to him. I’m sure that if you go for it, it will be worth it – eventually at least, if not immediately._

_Have a nice day and think about what I said.  
_

Lari’s hands are shaking when he finishes the letter – both from fury and agitation. The stupid fucking note-writer, whose identity Lari still doesn’t know, is going way too far with all the nonsense. He quickly refolds the letter and puts it back before Elias returns.

   ‘I have to get out of here,’ he says and exits Elias’ room. Hearing the shower still running, he sighs in relief and quietly closes the door behind him as he leaves the apartment.

Lari paces in his room and thinks about the contents of the letter. He’s afraid. _Was I really that obvious? What if someone else has noticed, too? Who the hell is the note-writer then, if not Elias?_ Lari’s head is full of questions and he doesn’t know the answer to any of them. Could the writer be Tale? Somehow Lari doesn’t thinks so, Tale usually isn’t observant enough... Then there’s that Matleena, who is much probable option, for Lari has never spoken a single word to her. She could be a spiteful bitch for all he knows. All the thinking is giving him a headache.

   Why didn’t Elias tell him about the letter? Does he know who wrote it? Lari has no idea about anything anymore. He glances at his phone and realises that Elias has tried to call three times and sent two messages. _He’s probably wondering why I left_. He puts the phone away, not bothering to read what Elias wrote. He’s a bit angry at him at the moment and perhaps the weekend is enough for Elias to figure out the reason behind Lari’s departure himself, saving Lari the task of explaining.

   In the morning after waking up, Lari reads Elias’ text messages, sent about 15 minutes apart.                                

          _Why did you leave? :(_

_You found the letter, didn’t you?  
_

Lari types ‘Yes and you better explain it later’ and sends his reply. Then he goes to the kitchen, feeling hungry, before his father has time to call him for breakfast.

‘I don’t know who wrote it,’ Elias says on Monday at school. They are hiding in the equipment storeroom of the gymnasium.

   ‘Why didn’t you tell me about it?’ Lari asks sternly, not at all satisfied at Elias’ words.

   ‘I just didn’t think it was important,’ Elias admits shrugging.

   ‘No important,’ says Lari disbelievingly, ‘that who ever has been harassing me more or less the whole year!’

   ‘And what would’ve you done had I told you?’ Elias is obviously starting to get annoyed.

   ‘I don’t know! But it certainly would’ve been nice of you to tell me.’

   ‘Why exactly are you mad?’ Elias asks. ‘I mean what does the letter even matter? It has only helped us as far as I’m concerned.’

   ‘I’m mad,’ Lari begins harshly, ‘because –’ He stops, sighing. ‘I haven’t a clue really.’ He really doesn’t. Maybe he isn’t mad as much as disappointed.

   Elias takes a cautious step forwards. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t say anything about the letter,’ he says with a small voice.

   ‘I know,’ Lari sighs. ‘Come here.’

   Elias steps into his opened arms and Lari embraces him tightly, breathing in the familiar scent of Elias’ hair gel. It feels so good to have him in his arms; they fit so perfectly together, chests, stomachs and groins in contact. Lari could never enjoy hugging girls as much, because of their weird tits, which are always in the way – girls just won’t fit against him like Elias does. Not to mention the fact that girls are so delicate, too hesitant and too soft. Elias is hugging him with just as much strength as Lari himself, and won’t hesitate to be aggressive in their kisses. Elias doesn’t demand Lari to always be the stronger one.

   When they separate, they stare at each other, both feeling content – or at least Lari thinks that Elias, too, is content by the look on his face. And then the bell rings and their moment is broken. Lari turns his back to Elias at once, afraid that someone will occupy the gymnasium next, and runs out.

   ‘See you later!’ he remembers to call out, before having gotten too far for Elias to hear him. Lari doesn’t notice the sullen and frustrated look on Elias face.

March is advancing quickly and Lari’s life is good. He still has his cool friends, his promising career and Elias – although nobody knows about the last one. But Elias has started to make Lari feel a little uneasy. He has lost count of how many times he has heard Elias subtly hinting that he would love for them to go outside to see a movie or go to dinner. Lari always refuses and after each one, Elias becomes sadder.

   One of these unpleasant moments that they have happens in mid-month, when they unexpectedly run into each other in the street leading to café Moose. Elias glances at Lari briefly, but then just walks past him without saying a word.

   ‘Wait,’ Lari says reaching out to grasp his arm.

   ‘Why?’ Elias asks, forced to stop by Lari’s strong grip. ‘I thought you wanted nothing to do with me on daylight?’

   Lari wants to groan in frustration. Why does Elias have to be so difficult? ‘You could still say hello.’

   Elias stares at him in disbelief. ‘Really? The last time I did that I found myself lying on the ground,’ he says and forcefully pulls his arm free.

   ‘I’ve already apologised for that,’ Lari replies defending himself and folds his arms.

   Neither of them notice someone coming closer from the direction of the café and then stopping to observe and listen to their argument.

   ‘Whatever,’ says Elias and starts to walk away. But he doesn’t get far, for Lari again stops him, this time by grabbing his scarf.

   ‘Don’t be like that,’ he pleads.

   ‘Like what?’ Elias sighs. ‘You’re the one with all the rules.’

   ‘I know, I’m sorry,’ Lari says and releases his hold on Elias, whilst the unseen figure slowly starts making their way behind a car parked next to the pavement.

   Lari and Elias stand facing each other in awkward silence.

   ‘I’ll just leave,’ Elias sighs but doesn’t move.

   ‘Yeah,’ Lari says and then looks cautiously around. When seeing no one, he presses a quick peck on Elias’ cheek. ‘I’ll call you, yeah?’

   ‘Fine,’ Elias says spiritlessly and starts walking away. Lari looks at Elias’ retreating form longingly, before he starts making his way to Moose, sighing morosely.

   When Lari has disappeared from sight, the person hiding behind the car slowly emerges with a big exuberant grin on their face. _Well, well... Lari has a lot of explaining to do_ , the person thinks, shaking their head in disbelieved wonder.

Two days later on Saturday Lari is unenthusiastically doing homework, when the doorbell rings. He doesn’t bother to stand up, leaving the door to his father. Soon enough, he can hear the door opening and then there’s Janne’s cheerful voice filling the apartment.

   Lari closes his English book and goes to the living room, where he finds Janne and Ilkka in mid-conversation about something or the other.

   ‘Ah, there you are,’ Janne grins when he notices Lari lurking.

   ‘I’ll leave you guys to chat,’ Ilkka says. ‘I think I’ll go for a jog.’

   Lari nods and feels a little nervous. Janne is grinning like a lunatic and it’s never a good sign. They wait until Ilkka has left and then Janne sits down to lie lazily on the couch.

   ‘I had an interesting day two days ago,’ he begins casually.

   ‘Yeah?’ Lari says cautiously, sitting down next to his friend.

   ‘Yup. Saw something really interesting,’ Janne says. ‘Want to hear?’

   ‘Sure,’ Lari replies starting to get interested despite his nervousness.

   ‘Well... I was in Moose with Elias –’ Janne begins and him mentioning Elias’ name, makes Lari’s heart jump to his throat ‘– but then he decided to leave. I didn’t want to stay there alone so I left, too. And guess what I saw once I got outside?’

   Lari is almost hyperventilating and Janne’s insane grin just widens. _Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, shit, shit..._ Lari chants inside of his head.

   ‘It was you and Elias talking, and not very silently you know. So naturally I could hear – and see – everything. I even hid behind a car and spied on you from there,’ Janne tells him, still grinning.

   Lari’s eyes are wide with horror. _Janne really saw us?!_

   ‘Oh, c’mon,’ Janne says, ‘don’t look so spooked, it wasn’t that bad.’

   Lari is still staring at Janne like in some kind of trance, not saying a word. He can’t believe that they got caught... Everything was mostly alright, but now it is all ruined.

   ‘Lari? Hello? Anybody home?’ Janne asks waving his hand in front of his face.

   Lari blinks. ‘W-what?’ he sputters.

   ‘There you are, finally,’ Janne says, sounding satisfied. ‘Now, I have just one question: why didn’t you tell me?’

   Lari sighs. ‘I didn’t think that –’

   ‘You can’t seriously mean that you thought that I wouldn’t approve?’ Janne interrupts, now sounding indignant.

   ‘I was just scared,’ Lari mumbles, turning his gaze away.

   ‘Of what? Eltsu is kind of cute,’ Janne says, ‘you know in a gay sort of way.’

   Lari snorts.

   ‘And now I also realise why you mumbled his name when we got drunk together and I had to put you in bed...’ Janne muses and Lari hides his face, feeling rather embarrassed.

   Janne stays for a little while longer and they discuss about Elias and Lari’s feelings very flightily. He isn’t used to it, but opening up really makes him feel better and it’s like a very heavy burden has been lifted from his shoulders. Janne doesn’t think that he is disgusting or any less of a man than before, which is a huge relief.

   After Janne has left, Lari sends Elias a message where he tells that Janne knows about them. Elias’ answer is surprising; Janne didn’t mention anything about it.

          _I know. He came to see me earlier today. Are you mad?  
_

Lari ponders what to answer. No, he’s not mad, but he doesn’t wonder why Elias would think so. He writes a reply:

_I’m not mad. It was my fault we got caught. And to tell you the truth, I’m kinda relieved that someone knows about us, someone who doesn’t judge, I mean.  
_

He sends the message just as his father returns home from his jog. Lari pockets his phone and decides to read Elias’ probable return message later.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Lari has wanted to ask Elias to be his boyfriend for a while now. Of course he knows that it could only be a secret relationship, and maybe that’s why he hasn’t suggested it yet. He’s afraid that Elias would refuse.

   As April comes, Lari is more and more afraid that Elias will get bored of him and his insecurity. Lari is so deeply in love with him, that it would break his heart if Elias found someone else, someone, who could give Elias all that he deserves. That’s one of the reasons why Lari wants to make their relationship official. He’s going to visit Elias later today and they are going to watch a movie together and after that... He hopes that he will find the courage to say what’s on his mind.

   When Lari rings Elias’ doorbell, he’s a little nervous, but in a good way. They haven’t really spent any cosy or romantic time together yet; it’s always been just sex. But today is going to be different.

   Elias smiles at him when he opens the door and Lari can smell the pizza Elias said he would put in the oven.

   ‘Your parents left yet?’ Lari asks as he hangs his coat on the coat rack.

   ‘They aren’t my parents, but yes, they’ve left,’ Elias says and goes to check the oven.

   ‘What you mean they aren’t your parents?’ Lari asks baffled, following Elias to the kitchen.

   ‘They aren’t. I thought you knew that I used to live in Brussels,’ Elias says and opens the oven to take the pizza out.

   ‘Oh yeah, I should’ve remembered that,’ Lari answers, thinking back to the day when Elias first came into their school. ‘Then... who are you living with and why?’

   Elias puts the pizza on the table and shuts off the oven before replying, ‘Me and dad moved here as Katariina’s subtenants. Then dad and Katariina started dating. And when they broke up and dad moved out, I wanted to stay. This is my home.’

   ‘Okay,’ Lari says, frowning. ‘So you’re living with your dad’s ex-girlfriend? Isn’t that a bit strange?’

   ‘Maybe,’ Elias shrugs. ‘Sit down, will you.’

   Lari obeys and sits down on the coach and Elias brings the pizza and lemonade with him.

   ‘So… Who’s the guy living here then? I thought that he was your dad,’ Lari continues to ask.

   ‘He's Kalle, Katariina’s colleague,’ Elias says.

   ‘Right,’ Lari says, ‘you have a very strange family.’

   ‘And you don’t even know the half of it,’ Elias smirks and puts the TV on. The movie hasn’t started yet even though it’s already past the starting time.

   ‘What do you mean?’ Lari asks, intrigued at the change of finding out more about Elias.

   ‘We haven’t talked about my mum yet,’ Elias says and grins at Lari.

   Elias’ grin is hypnotising and Lari can’t help but answer to it. ‘What about her? She’s still in Belgium, right?’

   ‘My adoptive mum is, yes,’ Elias begins, but Lari interrupts him.

   ‘You’re adopted?’ he exclaims. _I don’t know anything about him, do I?_ Lari thinks, feeling a little anxious.

   Elias doesn’t seem to notice. ‘Yup, but her man is a horrible homophobic bigot, so I took off and came here. And then I accidentally found out that my biological mum lives in my neighbour.’

   Lari listens to Elias’ confusing tale not really knowing what to think.

   ‘It’s kind of funny,’ Elias continues as the movie finally begins, ‘that both of my biological parents, half-brother, aunt, step-cousin and grandma all live in the same stairway with me.’

   Lari stares at Elias, eyes wide with disbelief. ‘What?’ he says with a little laugh.

   Elias smirks and takes a slice of pizza. ‘Yep. Dad lives with my brother, Tale is my step-cousin and lives with my grandma and my mum lives with her sister Matleena, who is my aunt.’

   ‘Wait, that same Matleena from that weird sect is your aunt?’ Lari asks, not believing his ears.

   Elias sniggers at Lari’s expression and nods.

   ‘Huh,’ Lari states and also takes a pizza slice, trying to concentrate on the movie and not wondering about Elias’ weird living arrangements and family affairs.

When the movie ends about two and a half hours later, they move to Elias’ bedroom. Lari has wanted to go there ever since Elias snuggled close to him in the beginning of the movie and caressed his thigh with his fingers.

   They make love unhurriedly and gently and it makes Lari feel like his heart is going to burst from all the love he feels for Elias as he listens to his moans and sighs as Lari slowly pushes in and out of him.

   Afterwards they lie together on the bed, sweaty and happy with Elias’ head on Lari’s chest and his fingers stroking Lari’s arm. Lari kisses the top of Elias’ head and decides to ask the question that has been on his mind.

   ‘I’ve been wondering...’ he begins hesitantly and feels Elias tense a little. Lari strokes his back, making him relax again. ‘I’ve been wondering that maybe we could, you know, make our relationship more official.’ Lari bites his lip and waits for Elias’ response with trepidation.

   Elias rises from Lari’s chest and stares. ‘Are you serious?’ he asks, frowning.

   ‘Yes,’ Lari says earnestly and lifts his hand to caress Elias cheek. ‘I want to be with you for real.’

   Elias smiles a little sadly. ‘In secret I presume?’ he asks, sounding resigned.

   Lari sighs. ‘You know that I can’t come out,’ he says and drops his hand.

   ‘Yeah, that’s been made very clear,’ Elias sighs. ‘I’m going to have to think about this.’

   ‘I know,’ Lari says and pulls Elias back down. He feels victorious, when Elias allows it.

The next day Elias avoids him like a plaque and Lari thinks that he made a terrible mistake in asking Elias to step into a relationship with him. He feels utterly miserable the entire six hours he spends inside the school walls.

   Just as he is walking home thinking that he’s lost Elias for good, he receives a text message that makes his stomach fill with hope: Elias wants to meet him right away. Lari immediately changes direction and hurries to where Elias said he would be waiting.

   Lari finds him in a deserted playground, sitting on a wooden bench and looking sadly around. The swings sway in the heavy and chilly wind and Elias pulls his coat tighter around himself.

   Lari hurriedly crosses the space between them and sits next to Elias, who immediately buries his face in Lari’s chest.

   ‘Are you okay?’ Lari asks worriedly and starts stoking Elias windblown hair.

   ‘No,’ Elias mumbles and then shifts his face in order to peer at Lari.

   ‘What’s wrong?’ Lari asks and moves his hand from Elias’ hair to wrap it around him.

   ‘I love you,’ Elias says and Lari’s heat skips a beat, even though Elias’ tone is very gloomy, ‘and I want to be with you officially. But still it feels like the worst thing that I could possibly do.’

   Lari swallows, unable to comfort him and he has to turn his gaze away from the other boy. Elias just said that he loves him, but Lari can’t say it back. Saying it out loud to Elias now would make everything so real and Lari would no longer have any place in which to hide. But still he knows that those three words are the ones that Elias desperately wants to hear.

   ‘I’m sorry that you feel like that,’ Lari forces himself to say.

   He hears Elias sigh. Lari would like nothing more than to take all of Elias’ worries away, and he hates himself that he isn’t strong enough, brave enough to do that.

   ‘What are you going to do?’ Lari asks then, when the silence is getting too heavy between them.

   ‘I’ve always followed my heart,’ Elias tells him, ‘even if what it wants is something that my brains warn me against.’

   Lari feels hope bloom in his chest and tries to squash it in case Elias decides to say the opposite of what Lari believes he will.

   ‘If you hurt me, I’ll never forgive you,’ Elias says with a stronger voice.

   ‘I won’t, I promise,’ Lari swears even though he doesn’t know if he can keep such a promise. And he has a feeling that Elias knows it, too.

Surprisingly the first days as an official couple go well enough, even though they cannot be freely in public. Elias seems to be a little happier now at least, which Lari is pleased to see. And then a couple of days later, Lari receives news that makes him truly euphoric.

   It comes in a form of an innocent-looking letter, but which contains words that almost make him weep in joy. He has been accepted to attend hockey tryouts! Suddenly he has a change to make his dream come true a lot sooner than he ever though: if he is successful in the tryouts, he might be able to go to play and live in Ottawa! How awesome is that?!

   But Lari is dropped rudely back to Earth from his cloud when he calls his boyfriend to tell the news. Elias isn’t at all pleased. Right then Lari isn’t capable of understanding his boyfriend’s feelings and concerns, so he is very rude to him and hangs up his phone whilst Elias is still speaking.

   ‘Lucky me for having such a supporting boyfriend,’ Lari says petulantly to himself and throws his phone angrily away. It’s a miracle that it stays in one piece.

   It is Janne, who manages to explain to him just why exactly Elias is so sour about Lari’s tryout news.

   ‘Why can’t he just be happy for me?’ Lari complains to Janne in Moose.

   ‘I’m sure he is, but you must understand how he feels,’ Janne says, trying to explain.

   ‘What do you mean?’ Lari demands.

   ‘How would you feel, if Elias told you that he was suddenly going to move back to Brussels?’ Janne asks him and shakes his head.

   Lari knows exactly how he would feel. ‘I would be devastated, of course,’ he says indignantly. ‘I mean we just got officially together and then he announces that –’ Lari pauses, finally realising the problem. ‘Oh.’

   ‘Yeah, “oh”,’ Janne repeats and goes to get Lari a second drink from the counter.

   Lari wants to hit head against the wall behind him. _I’m the worst boyfriend in the world_ , he whines to himself. He should’ve realised what Elias was going through, but he hadn’t. He has been so focused on himself that he hasn’t seen the whole picture. _You also promised that you wouldn’t hurt him_ , his conscience reminds him.

   ‘Shit,’ Lari says out loud and runs his fingers through his hair. _I need to apologise to him._

Placating Elias takes almost two days, but Lari manages it much to his relief. He had to promise Elias that there’s no way that he’ll go to Canada without him and that finally did the trick and he was forgiven. But... Lari can’t take Elias with him, it’s impossible. But he doesn’t want to dwell on that right that second, for he is doing something much more pleasurable now: he and Elias are snogging hungrily in a secluded corner of the school grounds.

   They are so focused on each other that they don’t hear the rapidly approaching footsteps or the audible gasp of surprise. But they do hear the pointedly cleared throat that follows a moment later.

   They separate quickly and with eyes wide and full of fear, they turn in unison to look just who is standing there, witnessing their intense and intimate secret moment of lust.

   It’s Iida. Lari swallows nervously and avoids her gaze, his heart beating furiously in his chest.

   ‘Well, finally a proof!’ Iida exclaims suddenly and dramatically swings her arms in the air. ‘Thank god! I’ve been trying and trying and then I thought that maybe, but now... finally,’ she then sighs and starts walking away, muttering quietly to herself.

   Lari and Elias stare at each other dumbfounded, but then Lari’s brains catch up on what just happened. He instinctively pushes Elias away from him far too forcefully, so that his boyfriend falls down.

   ‘Ouch! What the fuck?’ Elias yells at him.

   ‘Sorry,’ Lari mumbles and reaches out a hand to help Elias get up from the ground.

   ‘Whatever,’ Elias says and refuses to grab Lari’s outstretched hand.

   He gets up on his own and Lari drops his hand. _Great job, now he’s pissed at you again_ , Lari sighs and closes his eyes. But he’s wrong, when he feels Elias’ arms wrapping themselves around his waist. Lari opens his eyes in surprise.

   ‘I’ll talk to Iida,’ Elias whispers, presses a quick kiss on the corner of Lari’s mouth and then hurries after his best friend.

   Lari stares after his boyfriend, baffled. He’s extremely relieved that Elias didn’t get mad about his overreaction, but he can’t help but wonder how exactly Elias’ brains function.

   Later Elias tells him that Iida is not planning to tell anyone about them. In addition, Elias reveals that it was Iida, who sent him the letter and the notes to Lari, which is something that Lari never would’ve expected. Apparently when they dated, Iida realised Lari’s true feelings and began to plot to help both him and Elias to get together. Lari plans to discuss the subject with her at some point.

In the mean time, he concentrates on training, so that he’ll be in the very best of shape in the coming tryouts, which are only a week away. Of course Lari finds time for Elias, too, who seems to be getting very cheerless – again. _Probably because of the tryouts_ , Lari thinks. He himself is concerned, too, for he remembers his promise to Elias all too well, the promise that he has no intention to keep.

   ‘Are you going to wish me luck?’ Lari asks from Elias, who has just been fucked almost through the mattress.

   ‘Good luck,’ Elias murmurs tiredly and tries unsuccessfully to form a smile.

   Lari kisses his brow before leaving, feeling terrible, because Elias is sad and Lari himself is afraid that he has to break his boyfriend’s heart to follow his dreams.

   At the day of the tryouts, he goes to the ice rink with his father, who acts like a little kid in a candy store. Not that Lari blames him, for Lari’s hockey career is even more important to Ilkka than to Lari himself. He wishes that Elias were there cheering for him, but Lari knows that it’s not going to happen. Elias is probably sulking in his room praying that Lari will screw up.

   But then he mentally slaps himself. Of course Elias doesn’t want him to fail. _He loves me_ , Lari reminds himself, _he wants me to do well_.

   And that’s exactly what Lari does. He doesn’t just do well – he’s magnificent and he knows that he will get the ticket to Canada, there’s no doubt about that. His father is thrilled and says that he will cook all of Lari’s favourite foods for every day of the week.

   When Lari tells Elias about his success, there’s a genuine smile in him face. The very smile that Lari loves the most to see.

   ‘I thought that you’d be mad,’ Lari says and pulls Elias into his embrace.

   ‘Why would I?’ Elias says. ‘You’re following your biggest dream.’

   Lari wonders whether he imagines hearing bitterness in Elias’ voice or not.

   ‘When will the results come?’ Elias asks and steps back from Lari’s arms.

   ‘Later this week,’ Lari replies and can’t help but smile, he’s still feeling elated. _I’m going to Canada!_

   ‘Great,’ is all Elias says, before he asks Lari to leave. Apparently he has homework he must do. Lari doesn’t believe it, but does as Elias wants him to do.

The results arrive on Friday after school and Lari gets them from his coach via email. He has difficulties containing his excitement when he opens the mail. After reading it, he shouts out loud and shoots up from the couch to punch the air with his fists. He was the only one accepted to the Canada camp!

   Lari takes his phone from his pocket and sends a message to Elias:

          _I got accepted! :D  
_

It takes a couple of minutes for Elias to reply. His message is short:

          _That’s great. I knew you would.  
_

There are no smileys and no hearts, which Elias normally uses. Lari sits down on his bed and his good mood is suddenly completely dead. He got accepted and now he has to let down the one person he loves the most.

‘You’re going alone, aren’t you?’ Elias asks the next day and his whole demeanour speaks of how resigned and depressed he is.

   Lari stands there awkwardly next to his boyfriend’s bed, hanging his head and nodding. He can’t bear to look into Elias’ face. He has to keep his strength.

   ‘So this is it then?’ Elias asks next, his voice suspiciously calm.

   Lari’s heart is hurting, bleeding and crying. He has to fight to keep the tears that want to spill out from his eyes at bay. He doesn’t realise that he hasn’t answered anything, until he hears Elias speak.

   ‘Get out,’ says the chocked voice.

   Lari lifts his head and the look on Elias’ face makes his heart shatter. Elias’ face is swimming with tears, his eyes are bloodshot and his lower lip is wobbling. It’s the most heartbreaking sight Lari has ever seen and it hurts that Lari himself is the cause. It’s all his own doing; it’s only because of him that Elias looks like that.

   ‘I th-thought I told you to g-get out,’ Elias sobs, more tears sliding down his cheeks and wetting his shirt collar.

   Lari can’t bear to listen to Elias’ misery any longer and has to leave. He whispers ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again as he walks blinded by his own tears out of the apartment, out of Pihlajakatu and out of Elias’ life.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

In the morning of May 6th Lari prepares to leave his home and father to go to Ottawa to live his dream. He should be excited, he should be celebrating, but instead he feels numb. It’s been almost a week and a half since he left Elias forever... He tries to hide his glumness from his father, who fortunately hasn’t noticed anything in his own excitement.

   ‘Someone would think that you’re glad to get rid of me,’ Lari jokes, trying to act normally.

   His father laughs. ‘Come, come now, son. But I’m glad, of course. It’s all paying off now. And I’m so proud of you.’

   Lari blushes a little both in pleasure and embarrassment. His father rarely says that he’s proud of him. Ilkka seems to be embarrassed, too, and Lari feels better to see that he himself is not the only one.  

   They drive to the airport, where they meet Lari’s coach, Jarkko Vellilä, who is coming with him for the first week. The next one Lari has to manage on his own.

   When the airplane takes off, Lari looks out of the window, taking in the scenery of Helsinki and thinks about Elias. Lari wonders what he’s doing and if he’s missing him at all. _Did I make the right decision? Choosing my career over him?_ he wonders sadly.

   He glances at his coach sitting on the seat next to him, reading a magazine. When the coach notices Lari’s stare, he lifts his thumb up and grins enthusiastically. Lari grins back. _This is my dream, this is what I’ve wanted since I was a little kid_ , Lari reminds himself, strengthening his decision.

   ‘Goodbye, Elias,’ he whispers inaudibly.

Life in Canada feels wrong. Lari also feels very out of place in the ice rink despite his coach’s encouraging words. There are so many players, who are much better than Lari is and that’s depressing. The thing that doesn’t help is the fact that Elias keeps haunting his thoughts – _all the frigging time!_ He still keeps staring at the many photos he has of Elias and both of them together on his phone, not willing to get rid of them, not yet.

   It takes a few days for his coach to admit that maybe Lari isn’t quite ready after all, but he is still determined that Lari stays there the whole time. According to him, it is an opportunity of a lifetime and an excellent learning experience for Lari.

   _This isn’t anywhere near what I thought_ , Lari complains silently as he walks around the enormous city of Ottawa. He arrogantly thought that he would be a star, the very best of the bests and that his life as a real hockey hero would begin.

   ‘Fat change,’ he sighs out loud. Then he stops and looks around. He’s standing near a karaoke bar, he realises and feels very tempted to go in and drown his misery in alcohol.

   Of course he knows that if he’s asked to prove his age, he’ll never get in. Still, he’s willing to try and starts walking forwards, trying to appear very grown-up. He’s in luck, for just as he’s nearing the door, a group of very drunk and loud people cut in, forcing Lari to let them go first. The doorman isn’t letting them in, however, and soon it’s pure chaos with yelled insults and punching fists.

   Lari takes advantage of it and manages to sneak inside the bar unnoticed by the doorman, who has hands full of raging drunks.

   Then Lari leaves his jacket in cloakroom and walks to the counter to order a drink, observing the very populated bar’s décor. It’s cosy, he decides and after paying his drink he manages to find an unoccupied table.

   After a few more drinks, he starts feeling very relaxed and is listening to the people singing karaoke – sometimes he even joins in if there’s a song that he recognises. He claps enthusiastically to a youngish girl, who has a pretty voice, when she finishes and bows to the audience.

   The next singer is an older man, maybe around 40 years old, Lari thinks. The man is very scruffy-looking, so Lari ignores him and focuses on his drink instead, frowning at the taste of it. Then he shrugs and drinks more.

   ‘ _Do I have to say the words? Do I have to tell the truth?_ ’ the man signs and Lari notices that he’s actually pretty good and decides to pay attention after all.

   ‘... _I have to shout it out? Do I have to say a prayer? Must I prove to you how good we are together? Do I have to say the words..._ ’ The lyrics suddenly remind him of Elias. _He would want me to shout it out_ , Lari thinks sullenly and sighs into his drink. He misses Elias terribly and the alcohol seems to do nothing to help. _Maybe I’ve been drinking too little_ , he then suggests to himself and stands up to go and get a new one.

An hour and numerous drinks later, Lari has forgotten all of his worries and all about Elias. The karaoke has ended and loud disco music has taken its place. Lari is singing off-key and gulping his drink whilst swinging his left foot in time of the music. He feels awesome.

   Then suddenly there are two chicks inviting themselves to sit down with him.

   ‘Hullo,’ the blonde says with very high voice.

   Lari nods drunkenly and turns his attention to the other one, the brunette, who seems to looking at him with interest.

   ‘I’m Viatrix, Vix for short,’ she says, ‘and that one’s Bertha.’

   The blonde waves at him overenthusiastically.

   ‘I’m Lari,’ Lari introduces himself a little stiffly.

   ‘Well, Larry, what are you doing here all by yourself?’ Vix asks, leaning closer.

   ‘Yeah! Such a handsome man like you shouldn’t be all alone, you know,’ Bertha simpers at him. She too is leaning forwards and then she giggles when she manages to knock down her drink, spilling the reddish liquid all over the table and floor.

   ‘Oops!’ she shrieks theatrically and starts giggling again.

   Lari looks at her in horror.

   ‘I’ll get us another round,’ Vix says whilst rolling her eyes and standing up.

   Lari looks after her a little desperately, not wanting to be left alone with still madly giggling Bertha.

   She hiccups suddenly and then fortunately stops giggling. ‘Eew!’ she squeals instead. ‘My skirt’s all wet and red!’

   Then she stands up and Lari can see her white miniskirt, which is indeed stained red. She’s also wearing light brown leather boots, and extremely tight sleeveless leather top, which is also white and seems to be way too small for her.

   ‘My mom’s gonna kill me,’ she whinges whilst sitting down again. Then she looks at Lari and seems to forget all about her clothes. ‘So, where’er you from then?’ she asks curling a strand of her hair around her front finger.

   ‘From Finland,’ Lari answers shortly, not looking at her.

   ‘Finland? That’s not in Canada, right?’ she asks with a wondering voice. ‘I’m from New York and Vix’s my bbf, you know,’ she then says. ‘She’s from there, too, but then her mom got a job here and they moved and I was...’

   Lari lets her ramble, not bothering to listen. Just as he’s planning to vacate the table, Vix returns with three drinks. Her outfit is very similar to that of her friend’s with the exception that her clothes are all black.

   ‘There you go,’ she says, putting an acid green drink in front of him.

   ‘What’s this?’ he asks suspiciously.

   Vix winks at him. ‘I’ll tell you if you like it.’                                                                                                                          

Even later, Lari is still in the bar with Vix, Bertha having disappeared a while ago. Lari finds out that his companion is ridiculously rich and owns a beautiful penthouse not far from the bar they are in. Then he vaguely remembers that Vix may have invited him to see it.

   Next he suddenly realises that he’s in a lift, going up and snogging with someone, someone very thin covered in leather with long dark brown hair and huge breasts.

   When they get inside the penthouse, Lari is too drunk to appreciate the luxury of it or admire the breathtaking view of the city that the windows give. Vix is dragging him somewhere and Lari tries his best not to stumble as he’s forced to follow.

   Soon there’s a huge bed in front of him and Vix is taking off her clothes, apparently trying to act seductively. Lari turns his gaze away. He’s confused and doesn’t feel very good. He just wishes that he was home in his own bed, or in Elias’. _Don’t think about him!_ Lari mentally scolds himself, but it’s too late, Elias’ face is already engraved into his brain again.

   ‘Are you shy?’ Vix’s teasing voice interrupts.

   Lari shakes his head, still thinking of Elias. ‘I’m 16 and gay,’ he blurts, then blinks and sways. He has to take support from the wall.

   Vix stares at him in shock. But then she explodes into very high-pitched laughter and the sound of it is hurting Lari’s ears. He’s surprised that the windows are not breaking down.

   ‘Oh my god!’ she shrieks. ‘That’s so funny! 16 and gay! Oh my god!’ She continues to laugh and laugh, tears streaming down her heavily painted cheeks, leaving behind ugly black streaks. She suddenly reminds Lari of Bertha.

   When she finally calms down, she wipes her face and grins at him. ‘There’s no way you’re 16,’ she says, ‘you’re at least my age, which is 23 by the way. And my gaydar is unerring.’

   Lari doesn’t know whether to be pleased or insulted.

   ‘Now come here,’ she purrs, ‘and I’ll give you a ride you’ll never forget.’

   Maybe it’s Lari’s drunken brain or his desperation to forget Elias once and for all, but whatever the reason, his legs are carrying him forwards and his hands are taking off his clothes.

   Then he’s standing there naked in front of Vix’s evaluating eyes.

   She whistles appreciatively when she sees Lari’s cock. ‘That’ll do nicely,’ she breathes and her eyes are glazed with lust as they devour his body.

   Next they stumble into bed and everything’s wrong. The only person Lari has ever had sex with is Elias, so he’s naturally the one to whom he compares. Vix’s body is too thin, too curvy and too short. Her huge fake tits are terrifying and when Lari puts his finger between her legs, it’s all wet, hairy and disgusting – and the smell is far from pleasant.

   He isn’t sure how he manages to get himself hard and into her, but somehow he does and then he has to listen to her inhuman screams of passion as he fucks her. Elias’ moans are always soft and beautiful and the way his body arches under him when Lari hits his prostate over and over... But this isn’t Elias; it’s some Canadian whore, who is loud and obnoxious.

Lari’s head is pounding when he wakes up and his mouth feels like cotton. He sits up groaning from the floor – _the floor?_ – and gazes at the unfamiliar room he’s in. _What the bloody hell did I do?_ he wonders, but then gets the answer when his eyes focuses on the direction of the large bed, where an obviously naked woman is sleeping partly on top of the covers.

   ‘Fuck,’ he swears quietly, clutching his aching head with both hands. He suddenly remembers that the woman is called Vix and that they...

   ‘Shit,’ Lari sighs and looks around for his clothes whilst squinting with his eyes to stop the bright sun from hurting them so much.

   Luckily he finds his clothes very quickly and manages to get dressed before Vix awakens. Then he leaves with the lift after checking that he still has his wallet, phone and keys.

   It takes him for about an hour to get back to the hotel in which he has been living for the past days. It’s now Saturday and Lari suffers from horrible homesickness. His trip to Canada has been nothing like he imagined and he feels that it would’ve been much better to stay home. _And be with Elias_ , his mind supplies.

   ‘Elias,’ Lari sighs miserably. He misses him, so much that it hurts. He needs Elias. There’ll be other opportunities to live his dream, he is sure, but nothing of it matters if Elias is not there to share it with him. Lari sighs again and knows what he must do.

   He calls to his coach and tells him that he wants to go home – right away. His coach tries to persuade him to stay, but Lari has made up his mind. Eventually his coach gives in and with a disappointed voice, promises to order tickets back to Finland as soon as possible much to Lari’s tremendous relief.

After opening his front door with his keys, he’s sure that his father is expecting him. He himself didn’t inform Ilkka of his decision to leave the camp, but knows for certain that his couch did. It’s late Sunday evening in Finland and Lari is exhausted and still in hangover. He really doesn’t have the patience for his father’s raging, which he’s sure will come.

   ‘Dad?’ Lari calls, but doesn’t receive an answer. He shrugs and puts his bag down to take off his coat.

   ‘There you are!’ his father’s dark voice says suddenly, startling Lari. ‘What do you think you’re doing? Leaving when the camp is still going?’

   Lari feels annoyed at his father’s accusing tone. ‘I wasn’t good enough,’ Lari says, not lying, but no telling the whole truth either.

   He can hear his father sigh. ‘That’s what your coach said, too. But he also said that he thought you should’ve stayed,’ he says sternly, arms folded.

   Lari sighs, too. ‘I didn’t want to, it was too humiliating,’ he says, this time outright lying. He wasn’t quite that bad fortunately.

   ‘Well,’ he’s father sighs, obviously deflating, ‘at least you tried your best, I’m sure.’

   ‘Yeah,’ Lari answers, not wanting to discuss about it anymore.

   ‘I’m sure you’re hungry, there’s sausage soup in the fridge,’ his father says.

   ‘Thanks,’ Lari says and makes his way to the kitchen.

   ‘Don’t stay up too long, goodnight.’

   ‘G’night,’ Lari says, taking the soup out of the fridge.

On Monday morning Lari just wants to burrow deeper into his bedclothes and continue sleeping, but his phone’s persistent alarm keeps disturbing his plans. And then he shoots out of bed – it’s Monday! He needs to go to school so that he can see Elias as soon as possible. He’s prepared to beg and even grovel at Elias’ feet if he has to.

   He dresses quickly and skips breakfast, not wanting to be late. He still isn’t completely recovered from hangover, but is feeling much better than last night.

   Once at school, he faces his friends, who are extremely surprised to see him back already.

   ‘Missed your honey too much, didn’t you?’ Janne teases when they are alone.

   ‘Yeah,’ Lari admits shyly and hopes that he’ll see Elias soon.

   ‘He won’t be coming to school,’ Janne tells him and Lari’s hope deflates like a balloon.

   ‘Why?’ he asks, feeling concerned. Elias is always at school.

   ‘He sent a text to Iida. Apparently he’s got a flu or something,’ Janne says and gently punches Lari to his shoulder, when he hesitates. ‘Go on,’ Janne urges, ‘go take care of your honey.’

   Lari doesn’t need to be told twice and departs from school faster than he ever has before.

   Katariina lets him in when he tells her why he has come to visit. She tells him that Elias is still in bed, sleeping. Lari enters his room quietly; making sure that he won’t disturb Elias’ sleep.

   Elias looks pale and he seems to be shivering. Lari sits carefully on the bed and lies down next to his love, his ex-boyfriend, who he misses like crazy. He never should’ve let him go and this time he won’t, no matter what.

   He pulls Elias gently into his arms and kisses his sweaty brow. Then Lari falls asleep next to him, comforted and relaxed by Elias’ quiet sniffles.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Waking up next to Elias is the best thing in the entire world, Lari decides as he lazily opens his eyes, only to see Elias’ relaxed face on his chest and the fingers of his left hand twined tightly in Lari’s shirt. Lari smiles at the other boy and pulls the covers better around them. Then he starts to stroke Elias’ soft sweaty hair, feeling extremely content and happy. _This is what I want to do for the rest of my life_. At that moment everything’s absolutely perfect and Lari almost manages to forget that Elias is not in fact his boyfriend anymore. 

   Lari sighs when he feels Elias stirring up from his sleep. _Please, don’t drive me away_ , he begs silently.                                         

   Elias’ eyes flutter slowly open and he yawns. Then he blinks a few times and frowns, looking Lari in the eyes. 

   ‘Wh-what are you doing here?’ he asks, sounding confused. ‘There’s no way that Lari is in my bed...’ he then mumbles, apparently believing that he’s just dreaming. 

   ‘I’m here,’ Lari says softly, sliding a strand of hair away from Elias’ forehead with his finger.

   Elias furrows his brows. ‘How long have you been there?’ he asks still ogling Lari. 

   Lari checks his watch. ‘About an hour and a half,’ he replies, smiling softly at Elias, who looks so impossibly cute, all confused and sleepy.

   ‘Oh,’ he mumbles, closing his eyes and putting his head back on Lari’s chest. It doesn’t take long for Elias to fall asleep again.

   Lari looks at him fondly. He isn’t tired anymore, but doesn’t want to move. He’s way too comfortable right where he is, next to Elias, holding him tightly in his arms. 

Eventually Lari has to move, for his bladder desperately needs emptying. He gets off from the bed, doing his best not to jostle Elias and makes his way to the bathroom. 

    After finishing his business, he returns to Elias’ room and finds him sitting up and frowning at space that Lari occupied just a couple of minutes ago.

   ‘Hey,’ Lari calls from the doorway. 

   Elias’ head spins to look at him and his eyes are wide with surprise. ‘I wasn’t dreaming after all.’ 

   ‘No,’ Lari says and steps in, closing the door behind him, ‘you weren’t.’ 

   ‘What happened to Canada?’ Elias asks, beginning look a bit sulky.

   Lari sighs, whilst moving closer to the bed and sitting down. ‘Elias, I’m so sorry,’ he says sadly.

   ‘And why’s that?’ Elias asks next not looking at Lari, but is stubbornly drilling holes into his mattress with his eyes. 

   ‘I shouldn’t have left, that whole Canada episode was a complete disaster...’ he admits and then whispers, ‘I missed you the entire time.’ 

   Elias doesn’t say anything, but Lari can hear him sniffle and cough. 

   Lari stands up again. ‘Do you need something?’ he asks. 

   ‘Warm juice would be nice,’ Elias says weakly, coughing again. 

   ‘Alright,’ Lari says softly, gets up and wanders to the kitchen. He finds a bottle of blackcurrant cordial from the fridge and he makes Elias a little juice, heating it in the microwave oven. 

   When Lari returns to the bedroom, Elias is lying down, but his eyes are open. 

   ‘Here you go,’ Lari says and holds the cup for Elias to take. 

   Elias struggles to get up, but manages and gives Lari a little grateful smile before taking the mug and sipping a little of the warm juice. 

   ‘How long you’ve been ill?’ Lari asks, once again sitting down next to Elias.

   ‘Since Saturday,’ he says quietly, holding the mug close to his mouth, ‘but I’m feeling a lot better now.’ 

   ‘That’s good,’ Lari says and moves to sit more comfortably, resting his back against the headboard. His heart swells, when Elias leans into him and puts his head on Lari’s shoulder. 

   ‘I missed you, too,’ Elias says suddenly, very quietly. 

   Lari drops a kiss on top of his head. ‘I know and I’m sorry for being such an ass,’ he mumbles against Elias’ hair. 

   Elias puts his empty mug on the mattress and then twines himself around Lari. Lari holds him tightly and never wants to let go again. He breathes in Elias’ scent and marvels at the softness of his skin. _I love you_ , he says inside of his head. 

Elias returns to school on Wednesday, feeling healthy again. Iida is glued to his side almost all day, which annoys Lari a bit. He wants to steal Elias away from her for a while, but he doesn’t. He knows that Iida knows about them and wholeheartedly approves, but still he feels very wary to approach her. And the fact that they hang around Tale and Matleena constantly, doesn’t help. 

   Janne keeps teasing him and accuses Lari to be mooning over Elias like a lovesick puppy. Lari hotly denies everything, even though deep down he knows that Janne is right. He must look very pathetic if _Janne_ has noticed. 

   But he and Elias are happy. Lari is very surprised that getting back together was so easy. He did worry that it might take weeks before Elias would relent. Maybe it was because Elias was ill – he probably didn’t have enough strength in him to fight with Lari.

   Not everything is perfect, though. Lari’s father has noticed his cheerfulness and has assumed that Lari has found himself a new girlfriend. Great. Naturally that’s all Ilkka wants so talk about and eventually Lari has no choice but tell him that yes, he’s dating someone. Of course he doesn’t mention names, but he’s afraid that his father will demand to see Lari’s nonexistent girlfriend. 

   Elias is not pleased when Lari tells him, but doesn’t have any better suggestions, knowing that Lari can’t tell the truth. Lari knows that Elias hates hiding their relationship, but is grateful that he still goes along with it. And Lari makes sure that his boyfriend knows just how much he appreciates it. 

   Having sex for the first time in two weeks with Elias is magnificent. So much better than his drunken tryst with that Canadian chick, about which he hasn’t mentioned a word to Elias. But Lari doesn’t want to think about that or her, but to concentrate fully on Elias and make him see stars. 

   Lari listens Elias’ moaning and picks up his pace, readjusting Elias’ legs on his shoulders. He loves this, pounding into his boyfriend, fucking him, making love to him. And it’s fine, too, if it’s Elias doing that to him. 

   When Lari feels Elias’ body stiffening under him and climaxing, Lari needs only one more hard thrust to spill his seed deep inside of his boyfriend. He drops down on top of Elias and breathes heavily, enjoying the afterglow. 

   Then Elias shifts underneath him and Lari rolls off from the other boy, allowing him to breathe properly. Lari picks up the towel, which he had the foresight to bring from the bathroom, from the floor and wipes his chest with it. Then he gives it to Elias, who also clears his chest from his own spunk – or what’s left of it. 

   Afterwards they take a shower together, eat supper with Katariina and Kalle (which to Lari is a little awkward, but Elias seems to enjoy himself) and then watch some comedy movie from TV, just the two of them, Katariina having left for work and Kalle having already gone to bed. 

   They go to sleep after the movie ends. They lie in each other’s arms; legs tangled together and their breaths mixing together. Both fall asleep quickly, feeling happy and loved. 

   And like usually happens, just as everything is fine again, it all falls apart. 

It happens two days later on Friday the 17th of May. Lari is just about to enter the classroom, when he sees his gang inside staring intensely at something on the desk in front of them.

   ‘What’s going on?’ Lari asks them curiously and they look up at the sound of his voice. 

   Kimi’s face is full of glee, when he sees Lari. ‘Well, well, look who it is, boys,’ he begins, not taking his eyes off of Lari. The rest of the gang smirks. 

   Lari, frowning deeply at Kimi’s words, takes a few steps forwards, but then stops suddenly. His eyes widen with unimaginable terror and his heart is desperately trying to rip itself off from his chest. There on top of the desk lays a letter written in the painfully familiar dark blue font. 

   ‘And what’s that?’ Lari asks, attempting to hide the panic from his face and body language.  

   ‘This,’ Kimi begins theatrically, ‘is a letter telling Elisa how you’re lusting after her.’

   Lari lets out a forceful laugh. ‘Right...’ he drawls, ‘as if I would look at that faggot twice.’ He tries his best to look disgusted. 

   ‘Oh, but you do,’ Kimi says. ‘Don’t think that I haven’t noticed.’ The gang behind him nods in unison. 

   ‘Have not!’ Lari denies hotly. _Just please, believe me!_ he prays silently. 

   Kimi snorts. ‘You don’t believe that yourself,’ he says, suddenly taking a step forwards, his face twisted in ugly and dark frown. At the same time the class starts to fill with even more people, including – Lari swallows audibly – Elias. 

   Kimi follows his gaze. ‘Ah, there she is, your love,’ he sneers. 

   Lari sees Elias’ eyes widen, before he tears his eyes away and looks back at Kimi. 

   ‘You’re disgusting,’ Kimi almost shouts at Lari. ‘Do not think that you’re welcome in our team anymore.’ 

   Lari folds his arms. ‘You’re not going to stop me from playing!’ Lari tells him. The whole class is staring at them. 

   ‘We’ll see about that!’ Kimi blusters and spits on his face. 

   ‘Hey, that’s enough!’ comes Elias’ outraged voice like through some heavy fog. Lari just stands there, unable to believe what just happened. _How did they get their hands on that letter?_

   ‘Are you okay?’ Elias asks, apparently having come to his side.

   The sound of his boyfriend’s worried voice makes Lari snap out of his trance. ‘You can go to hell!’ he shouts, knowing that he’s hurting Elias, but unable to think about anyone or anything other than himself. Then he flees from the school, from Elias and from his hostile gang of friends – _ex-friends_ , Lari’s mind reminds him bitterly. 

Lari goes for a run and then straight to the gym. He desperately wants to escape his feelings and hopes that torturing himself with extremely harsh physical training will block some of the pain that he is feeling. 

   When he feels exhausted enough, he stops and goes to take a shower, mentally feeling much calmer. First he needs to apologise to Elias and then he needs to talk with his coach. He can’t let his gang to smoke him out of the team – _his_ team! Lari will not allow it, no matter what it takes. _At least Janne will be on my side_ , he sighs to himself. 

   Once at home, Lari gets a strange feeling. It’s very quiet in there – too quiet. He gulps nervously and goes to the kitchen, where he finds father, sitting quietly and his face is completely expressionless. It’s never a good sign. 

   ‘Is everything alright?’ Lari asks cautiously, not wanting to sit down.

   His father stays silent for a full minute before turning his gaze to Lari. Now Lari can see the disappointment from Ilkka’s eyes and his heart constricts painfully. 

   ‘Sit down,’ his father commands tonelessly and Lari sits. ‘What have I done wrong with you?’ he then asks. 

   Lari swallows. ‘What d’you mean?’ he asks, trying and failing, to sound relaxed. 

   ‘This,’ Ilkka says and throws something white at Lari. 

   Lari looks at it uneasily and then closes his eyes in despair. It’s a copy of the letter – the same letter that Kimi had somehow gotten into his greedy hands. 

   ‘And?’ Lari asks, still pretending that nothing’s wrong.

   ‘And?!’ his father repeats incredulously. ‘And? Is that all you have to say?’ 

   Lari shrugs. ‘That depends,’ he says, ‘on whether or not you believe what it says.’ He is proud that he finally manages to appear calm outwardly. But on the inside, he is a complete mess. 

   ‘Oh, so you do know what it says?’ Ilkka asks sternly.

   ‘Yeah,’ Lari agrees, ‘I already saw that earlier.’ 

   His father looks at him with rage. ‘And is it true what it says?’ he demands, leaning forwards and getting halfway up from his chair. 

   Lari just looks at him, afraid that if he opens his mouth, he will burst into tears. 

   Apparently his father takes his silence as an agreement and forcefully leaves the table, knocking off the chair and then gets off the house, banging the door closed behind him. 

   Lari buries his face in his palms and tries to desperately fight against the tears. 

He knows that he looks terrible when Katariina opens the door. He dismisses her concerns and makes his way to Elias’ room, where his boyfriend is doing homework – or at least pretending to.

   Elias shots out of his chair, abandoning his pen in an instant when he sees Lari. ‘What happened to you?’ he asks, pulling Lari into a warm, comforting hug. 

   Lari clutches at him desperately, fighting against a new wave of tears. ‘I’m sorry that I yelled at you today,’ he manages to choke out.

   Elias strokes his hair softly. ‘It’s okay, that was understandable.’ 

   ‘No, it wasn’t,’ Lari mumbles against Elias’ clothed shoulder, feeling much better now that he has Elias’ arms around him. ‘My father has the letter,’ he says then, wanting to get the poison out of his system. 

   ‘What?’ Elias asks, shocked, trying to disentangle from Lari, but Lari refuses to let him, tightening his hold on his boyfriend. ‘How did he get it?’

   ‘I don’t know for sure,’ Lari says, ‘but it was a copy, so I think that Kimi took it and gave it to dad.’

   ‘I’m sorry,’ Elias whispers into his ear, ‘I feel like this is my fault.’ 

   Lari tenses a bit. ‘Not, unless you gave that letter to Kimi,’ Lari says, trying to keep accusation away from his voice. 

   ‘I didn’t give it to anyone,’ Elias promises and Lari wants to believe him.                                                                                                                                         

   ‘Then how do you think that he could’ve gotten it?’ Lari asks.

   ‘I don’t know,’ Elias says quietly. ‘Maybe he took it from my bag or something.’ 

   Lari pushes Elias away from him. ‘What? You had it in your bag?’ he demands. ‘How could you be so stupid?’ 

   Elias, too, looses his calm demeanour. ‘It’s my letter; I do whatever I want with it.’ 

   ‘But it’s my life and reputation in that letter!’ Lari shouts. ‘This _is_ all your fault! I thought you’d gotten rid of that fucking letter!’

   Elias is scowling angrily by the time Lari stops shouting. ‘Yeah?’ he snipes. ‘Like you got rid of the notes?’ 

   Lari is scowling, too. ‘I only have a few of them and I’m not so stupid that I would keep them in my bag!’ 

   ‘Well, excuse me, Mr perfect,’ Elias says sarcastically, ‘while I go and grovel at your feet!’ 

   Suddenly Lari deflates, not wanting to argue any longer. He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair in agitation.

   ‘What the fuck am I going to do now?’ he asks, whining.

   ‘I don’t know,’ Elias says and sighs too, sitting down on his bed. ‘We’ll figure something out.’ 

   ‘Yeah,’ Lari says, sitting down next to Elias, ‘I hope so.’

   Elias wraps his arm around him and Lari leans into him, closing his eyes and taking comfort from his solid, supporting presence.


	9. Chapter 9

**Interlude – Kimi**   

On Thursday morning Kimi is hiding behind a corner, spying on Elisa, who is digging her bag. It has been way too long since they organised a proper prank for the school’s resident faggot. Kimi wants to figure out way to create a new one, hence the spying. 

   But then something odd happens: Lari peers from around the opposite corner and gets Elisa’s attention by clearing his throat. And then they leave hurriedly together and Elisa’s open bag is left hanging alone on the coat rack. _What the hell is Väänänen doing?_ Kimi wonders, but then shrugs, assuming that Lari has some kind of master plan of his own. 

   Kimi approaches Elisa’s open bag and starts picking it, looking for something interesting. And then he finds it – a letter! But the contents of it are something that he certainly did not expect. _Väänänen is lusting after Elisa?! Come on, that’s ridiculous_. 

   But he keeps the letter and observes his friend – very closely. By the end of the day, Kimi can see that whoever wrote the letter is right about the long looks the two keep sending to each other. _No shit!_

   The next day Kimi shares his findings with the rest of the team, who are appalled – for a reason. The thought that Väänänen has been fooling them all is... He shudders in disgust. Those two faggots will get what’s coming for them; he will make sure of that.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Nine**

Lari spends the night with Elias, not wanting to face his father’s judgement for the second time during the same day. In the end he stays the entire weekend and they both go to school together on Monday morning. Lari’s father didn’t call him even once. But his coach did, and he wants to meet with Lari after his school day. 

   The atmosphere at school is amused and disgusted. Lari was prepared for it, but still it bothers him that everyone is watching him, judging him – even the teachers and other staff! It’s unnerving. He doesn’t dare to be seen together with Elias, the situation is bad enough as it is and Lari doesn’t want to add any more fuel to the flames. 

   The hockey gang is smirking at him but is otherwise giving him a wide berth, which suits Lari perfectly. He’s therefore extremely surprised when Kimi approaches him later on the day. 

   ‘What do you want?’ Lari bits out. 

   Kimi smiles at him like he pities Lari. ‘It’s going to be alright, you know,’ Kimi says, making Lari even more confused. 

   ‘I’m going to fix it and everything can go back to way they were, you’ll see,’ Kimi tells him and then leaves before Lari can get a single word out. 

   Kimi’s parting words make Lari feel very uneasy, but he doesn’t mention anything about that to Elias. Lari doesn’t want him to worry, for he’s already doing it enough for both of them. 

After school, Lari approaches nervously the address that his couch gave him. It’s a nice area Lari supposes as he searches for the right house number. When he finally finds it, he takes the lift to the fourth floor. He doesn’t know what to expect; is his coach, too, going to judge him, or support him, throw him out of the team, tell him that he’s never going to see the inside of an ice rink again? The front door of the right apartment, to Lari surprise, reads: Vellilä – Sjöberg. He thought that his coach lived alone. 

   The door opens and an unfamiliar red-haired man stands behind it, smiling at Lari. ‘Hello,’ the man says politely. 

   ‘Hi, I’m here to see Jarkko,’ Lari says and wonders who the man is. 

   ‘Ah, of course! You must be Lari, please, come in,’ the man says and lets Lari in. It looks cosy inside with its white walls and light coloured, stylish furniture, Lari decides. 

   ‘I’m Olavi, nice to meet you,’ the man introduces himself and holds out his hand. 

   ‘Lari,’ Lari says and shakes the offered limb. 

   ‘I think that Jarkko is in the kitchen,’ the man says and makes his way to there with Lari following after him. 

   They find Lari’s coach leaning against the counter, reading a magazine. ‘Ah, Lari!’ he says, smiling as they walk in, and glances at his wristwatch. ‘Right on time.’ 

   Jarkko folds the magazine and to Lari’s shock, kisses Olavi’s cheek before leading Lari into his study. 

   They sit down and Lari stares at his coach dumbly, not believing his eyes. _My coach is gay?!_

   Jarkko smiles at him, a little sadly. ‘We all have secrets,’ he says, ‘and I think yours has just come out. Excuse me the pun.’ 

   Lari blinks. ‘Umm...’ is the only thing that he manages to say.

   ‘What were you thinking of doing now?’ his coach asks then. 

   ‘I don’t really know,’ Lari admits. 

   ‘What would you want to do, then?’ is the next question. 

   To that Lari knows the answer. ‘I want to play in NHL,’ he says at once. 

   ‘Well then,’ his coach says, ‘that’s exactly what you should do.’ 

   ‘But,’ Lari begins, ‘I can’t be gay and play hockey!’

   ‘Says who?’ 

    ‘Says –’ Lari sighs, ‘everyone.’ 

   His coach peers at him over his glasses. ‘A little over ten years ago I was in the exact same position as you are know,’ he tells Lari, who listens with interest, ‘I was young, extremely talented and everyone though that I would become the next Finnish superstar in NHL. 

   ‘But then I got caught snogging with my boyfriend in a supply closet. Everyone turned against me: my coach, my team, even the entire school. I was their hero, their big star – how could I to betray them by being gay?’ 

   Lari feels bad for his coach, for he sounds so resigned and bitter. 

   ‘My parents tried to encourage me to continue playing,’ he continues, ‘told me to ignore all the jerks and to fulfil my dreams. But I was too weak. All the ridiculing, all the insults and pranks... I couldn’t take it. So I left and began a new life, I began coaching. I wanted to stay with ice hockey, but I thought that I could never play professionally. So this is what I chose to do instead.’ 

   ‘That’s not very encouraging, you know,’ Lari mumbles and lowers his eyes, wondering if the same faith will await him. 

   ‘Perhaps not,’ his coach says then. ‘I often wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn’t given up. But thinking about that is way too late now. To you on the other hand, it is not.’ 

   Lari lifts his gaze to his coach, who looks determined. ‘What do you mean?’

   ‘I mean that you can do differently. There’s no reason why you couldn’t.’ 

   Lari closes his eyes and sighs melancholically. ‘I don’t know if I can.’ 

   ‘Neither do I,’ his coach says, ‘but from what I’ve seen, you’re very determined and strong. And I know that you have people around you, who will support you.’ 

   Lari rubs his temples, wallowing in self-pity. _I’m not that strong_ , he thinks. ‘There’re no openly gay players in NHL,’ he sighs. 

   ‘That’s true, but someone has to be the first one.’ 

   ‘You mean that I should?’ Lari glares and folds his arms.

   ‘Why not?’ his coach asks him, very calmly. ‘Think about all the good that you could do.’ 

   ‘Like what?’ Lari asks, grumbling. 

   Jarkko sighs and takes off his classes. ‘Think about the example that you could give. Think about all the young and promising athletes, who are struggling with their sexuality – just like you are.’

   ‘I don’t want to be an example...’ Lari complains. 

   ‘Just think about it, Lari. That’s all I ask.’ 

After chatting with his coach, Lari goes home, even though his disapproving father will be there. But Lari needs clean clothes and he doesn’t have enough money to buy them. 

   His father won’t speak to him, won’t even look at him, and Lari isn’t very keen on engaging a conversation either. They can’t even sit around the same table as they eat, so it’s a very awkward evening for both of them. Ilkka is watching the TV sullenly and Lari is hiding in his room, doing homework and messaging with Elias for the most part of the evening. Lari is very relieved when his father goes to bed; it feels like he can finally breathe properly. 

   Before falling asleep, he thinks about his coach and the words he said. It would be amazing to have a professional ice hockey career and at the same time to be himself – be with Elias with no lies and no secrets... But is he brave enough to try to get all that? 

   In the morning his father has already left when Lari wakes up. He sighs at the sight of the empty kitchen. Is this how life with his father would be from now on? Lari hopes not. He resigns himself to make breakfast for himself and tries his best to eat it, even though his sandwich tastes as good as a wet paper. 

He and Elias have plans for Friday evening, because Lari really wants to skip the training that day. He has no interest to go there to be ridiculed. He’s much rather with his boyfriend, watching a sappy movie with Katariina, who Lari has learnt to like very much. 

   Unfortunately Elias goes to visit his father and brother after school, so Lari makes his way home, hoping that his father is still at work. They haven’t spoken a single word to each other for a week. Apparently they are both too stubborn to give in first. 

   Lari has finished some of his homework, when he hears his father storming home – literally. He seems to be as good a mood like everyday since he found out that Lari likes boys instead of girls. 

    Lari ignores Ilkka and when he can no longer bear the suffocating silence, he decides to get out of the house. And just then his father finally decides to speak. 

   ‘Lari,’ he calls and then clears his throat, ‘I’d like to speak to you.’ 

   Lari warily approaches the kitchen table. ‘About what?’ he says, refusing to sit down. 

   ‘I’ve been thinking... I may have a solution to this,’ his father says, sounding hopeful. 

   Lari folds his arms. ‘A solution,’ he repeats, lifting his eyebrows. 

   Ilkka nods eagerly. ‘Yes! I have this new employee, Reino, and he has a daughter...’

   Lari snorts, pretty sure that he knows where his father is going with it. 

   ‘She’s a very pretty girl,’ his father assures, ‘and you haven’t had a girlfriend for a while... Maybe that’s why you think that you... well...’ 

   ‘That I think I’m gay?’ Lari finishes the sentence for him. 

   ‘Yes, that right. So I thought that if you go on a date with this Lotta, that’s her name, then maybe –’

   ‘Are you frigging serious?’ Lari spits out and incredulity fills his features. ‘I will not date girls, because I’m gay!’ 

   ‘Must you be so difficult?!’ his father shouts, getting up. 

   ‘I’m not being difficult!’ Lari shouts back. ‘I’m being honest!’ 

   For a moment Lari feels like his father wants to hit him. 

   ‘You’re going out with Lotta,’ Ilkka says instead of hitting him. 

   ‘I will _not_ ,’ Lari says, grinding his teeth. Then he storms out and ignores his father’s further attempts at conversation. 

   His phone beeps, just when he slams the door shut and Lari takes it out to read the message, which is from Elias. 

_Katariina had to go to work, so the movie night is off. But I hope you’ll still come. :) I’ll go to return the movie that she brought (I don’t think that you would’ve liked it) and I hope that I’ll be seeing you soon after that. <3   
_

Lari smiles at the message. Even such a small thing than reading a couple of words written by Elias, is enough to make him feel a lot better. He types his return message: 

_Of course I’ll come. But first I have to run a little to clear my head from all the shit my dad spouted – I’ll tell you later. See you soon! <3   
_

Then Lari sends the message and puts his phone into his pocket. He starts running, slowly at first and then faster, enjoying the late afternoon sun. 

He feels very refreshed after his run and his home is fortunately empty when he gets there to take a shower before heading to see his boyfriend. When he dresses, he checks his phone and his face melts into a brilliant smile, for he sees that Elias has sent him a new message a little while ago. But his smile instantly transforms into a deep frown and then to intense fear, when he reads it. 

_Hiya sweetie pie! <3<3 I just wanted to tell u that I miss ya! *kiss* I’m gonna c a movie today, so I’ll c u tomorrow, honey. I luv u! <3<3   
_

There’s no way that Elias would ever write like that, not even drunk. Lari knows immediately that something’s very wrong, very, very wrong. Why would someone send him a message pretending to be Elias and using the boy’s phone? Lari calls to Elias, but his phone has been turned off, which increases his worry even more. 

   Then his phone rings: it’s Katariina. Lari answers with trepidation, his hands shaking. _Please have good news!_ he prays. 

   ‘Lari,’ he answers, trying to stay calm. 

   ‘ _Hey, it’s Katariina. Is Elias with you_?’ she asks, and then Lari is certain that something horrible has happened to his boyfriend.  

   ‘No,’ he says, his voice trembling. 

   ‘ _I just checked my phone and noticed that Elias has sent me a message about 30 minutes ago. And it was very strange_ ,’ she tells him. 

   ‘Strange how?’ Lari asks, very afraid of what she is going to answer. 

   ‘ _The message says that he’s going to see a movie with you and then spend the night at your place. But earlier he told me that he invited you to our place. Have you changed plans or is something wrong here? The message is nothing like Elias’ style_ ,’ Katariina says, obviously sounding very concerned. 

   ‘I got an odd message from him, too. He said that he’s going go to see a movie and see me tomorrow. Elias would never write like the way the message was. And we had a plan just like you said; I was just about to go to your place.’ Lari’s voice is very alarmed and he’s afraid that Elias is very hurt somewhere or worse, dead. _Don’t think like that! Elias is fine, he has to be!_

    Katariina keeps a pause. ‘ _I will call Kalle and Elias’ parents and ask if they know something_ ,’ she says. 

    ‘And I’ll call Janne and Tale,’ Lari says, feeling a little bit calmer now that they have a plan. 

    ‘ _Good, I’ll call you immediately if I find something out_ ,’ she says and hangs up. 

Nobody has heard anything from Elias, not his parents or friends – nobody. Lari is sick with worry as he runs outside, checking every possible place that he can think of. He has to find Elias, has to! It’s been nearly 20 minutes since his phone call with Katariina and Lari is afraid that they are running out of time. He has also called the police but they were just as helpful as a small slowly crawling insect. 

   Lari startles when his phone rings and he stops to take it from his pocket with badly shaking hands. It’s Janne’s number and he answers instantly. 

   ‘Janne! Please tell me that you found him!’ Lari begs, almost sobbing hysterically. 

   ‘ _We did_ ,’ says Iida from the other side of the line. Her voice is completely void of any kind of emotion. 

   ‘Iida, tell me!’ Lari demands, feeling more scared than ever before in his entire life. 

   ‘ _We used Seppo’s master key_ ,’ Iida says monotonically. ‘ _Elias was lying on the floor in a huge pool of blood and –_ ’ Lari’s heart shatters into a million pieces ‘ _– both of his wrists were slit. We thought that he was dead_.’ 

   ‘But he’s not, right!’ Lari shouts desperately, unable to move. 

   ‘ _I don’t know_ ,’ Iida says. 

   Lari drops his phone, his knees giving out as he tumbles down to the ground.


	11. Chapter 11

**Interlude – Hockey gang**

They are all there already, shifting restlessly. Kimi invited them all, because he’s been doing some research, absolutely refusing to believe that Lari really is a faggot. He has found out things and wants to share them with the rest of the gang. 

   ‘Good, you’re all here,’ se says, feeling pleased. 

   They all stare at him expectantly. So well trained they are, not speaking unless spoken to, Kimi is thrilled to notice. 

   ‘I know you probably all know what I want to discuss about –’ he begins, but is interrupted by a disgusted snort. He silences the interrupter with his stern glare. 

   ‘As I was saying,’ he continues, ‘I don’t believe that Väänänen really is a faggot.’ 

   He raises his hand against the protesting voices. ‘Just hear me out,’ he says and luckily they all fall silent.  

   ‘Almost every one of us has known Lari for years, some longer than others, but still. And that Lari Väänänen was never gay,’ Kimi begins his speech, feeling very important now that he’s the boss of their little elite group. ‘If you look back, Lari’s weird behaviour started when that Elisa lady arrived.’ 

   They all frown and then nod a little. Good. ‘So, I believe that Elisa has somehow brainwashed our captain. And I read that it’s possible. There are even camps that cure gays, did you know?’ 

   ‘So are we going to send Lari into one?’ one of the newest recruits says. What was his name? Toivo... or Tarmo... something like that.

   ‘No,’ Kimi says, ‘we simply have to take the temptation out of the way.’ 

   They all stare at him blankly. 

   ‘Elisa, we’re going to get rid of Elisa, of course!’ he announces and gets cheers for his trouble. 

   ‘How’re we gonna do that?’ Esko – or was it Erno? – asks then. 

   ‘I’m so glad that you asked! This is what I have in mind...’ and Kimi starts explaining his master plan. _This is going to be so amazing!_

On Tuesday Kimi receives a package. It was sent by some of his older brother’s friend’s uncle’s friend’s wife’s step-brother’s friend’s friend or something. The less Kimi knows about where the package came from, the happier he is. 

   He hides it carefully in his closet, folding several pairs of trousers and some shirts on top of it. _On Friday_ , he thinks gleefully as he closes the closet door, _on Friday that faggot is going to pay for converting our friend._

   ‘Are we going to tell him? Lari?’ Pate asks on Thursday evening in Kimi’s home as they go through the plan for the second to last time. 

   Kimi frowns and thinks for a moment – or pretends to. They need to believe that he is truly considering all possibilities. 

   ‘No,’ he says,’ who knows, he might try to interfere.’ The mere thought of that happening is sickening. But he comforts himself with what they’re about to do. Soon they will have Lari back – and Elisa... Well, who knows what might happen to her. Kimi doesn’t bother his head with it, for he doesn’t care and neither does the rest of his team.

   ‘Do you have it?’ asks the new guy, whose name Kimi still doesn’t remember. 

   Kimi takes the package out of his bag and opens it. ‘There you go,’ he says dramatically as he puts the two items on the table. 

   ‘What are they exactly?’ comes an eager voice, which Kimi supposes belongs to Harri. 

   ‘This one,’ Kimi says, taking the jar full of pills in his hand, ‘is M.A.O. inhibitor, which is needed first, as I’ve explained. And that one,’ he points the small plastic bag containing white powder, ‘is the real joy, dimethyltryptamine, or DMT for short.’ 

   They all stare at the substances intently. 

   ‘So, everyone knows what they’re supposed to do tomorrow?’ Kimi asks, wanting to make sure that everything goes perfectly. ‘Pate, what’s your job?’ 

   ‘I’m s’posed to hold her down and make her insufflate that powder,’ Pate answers smugly. 

   ‘Excellent,’ Kimi praises, ‘and then the rest of you...’ 

_So far so good_ , Kimi thinks when he looks at the pathetic form of unconscious and gagged Elisa lying on the ground. They followed her from school and loitered near her home, waiting for her to come out. And then she did and they shadowed her all to way to R-Kioski and then back, until finally attacked her in the park. Kimi was the one who hit her in the head with a lump of wood. 

   ‘Are you sure that you can write queer language?’ Kimi asks Harri, who has Elisa’s phone. 

   ‘Yeah, yeah,’ Harri says and types two messages: one to Lari and, just in case, one to Elisa’s ex-step-mother, that doctor lady. Kimi did his research well. 

   ‘Now, stage two,’ Kimi orders the rest and removes the gag from Elisa’s mouth. Then Tarmo is there slapping her face and holding a pill in his hand. 

   When Elisa stirs and groans, Tarmo forces the pill into her mouth and presses her mouth shut, so that she can’t spit it out. Elisa struggles against Tarmo, but her attempts are way too feeble. Eventually they see how her throat swallows. 

   ‘Pate!’ Kimi urges and Pate hurries forwards. He dumps the powder to the ground in front of her and Tarmo forces her to lean forwards, until her face is very near the powder. There are tears in her eyes now. _How pathetic_ , Kimi thinks, feeling no sympathy at all. 

   Then Pate crams a short drinking straw into Elisa’s nostril and holds it there. ‘How do we make this shit to insufflate it?’ Pate asks Kimi. 

   ‘Just wait,’ Kimi says calmly, observing Elisa. Tears are still streaming down her face and she’s sniffling and coughing. But nothing happens, Elisa is not getting any of the powder into her nose. 

   Kimi wonders what to do next, when Tarmo suddenly intervenes. 

   ‘Sniff that stuff properly, you little shit or I cut you and your boyfriend’s throat!’ Tarmo roars and pulls at Elisa’s hair in a way that must be painful. And then miraculously she obeys. And then she’s screaming and squirming on the ground, obviously in terrible pain. 

   ‘Shut her mouth before someone hears!’ Kimi hisses and then Harri hits her head with his shoe. Then it’s gratefully silent.  

   ‘Now, quickly, stage three!’ Kimi says. ‘Put these on.’ 

   Tarmo takes the shirt and scarf that Kimi throws at him and puts them on. They chose Tarmo for this job, because he resembles Lari more than the others combined.

   ‘Hurry, hurry!’ Kimi urges. _This is going to be so awesome!_


	12. Chapter 12

**Interlude – Elias**

When Katariina has to suddenly leave for work, Elias sends Lari a message about the changed plans. He promised Katariina that he would go to return the movie she bought right away so that she wouldn’t have to do it later. Lari’s return message worries him a bit and he wonders what Ilkka has done this time. 

   When he walks towards R-Kioski, he has a strange feeling that someone is following him. But each time when he turns to look back, there’s no one there, so Elias believes that he’s just imagining things. Whilst walking back home, the uneasy feeling increases and he picks up his pace, wanting to get home as quickly as possible. But then he hears running footsteps from behind him and turns to look. Before he can recognise anyone, there’s pain his head and then all goes black. 

    Someone his slapping his face, hard, and it hurts like hell. He groans from pain in his head, and then feels something put into his mouth. He tries to spit it out in vain and struggles against the force holding him in place. He’s horribly confused and panicking, not knowing where he is and with whom – and why they’re doing this. Eventually he has no choice but to swallow the thing that feels like some kind of pill. 

   Then he’s pushed forwards, facing the ground and some white powder. When he sniffs, he realises that he’s crying. A completely helpless feeling overcomes him and makes him cry harder. _Lari! Help me!_ his mind screams. A drinking straw is then forced into his nostril, but he refuses to do what they want, he will not obey, not even if it’s going to cost him his life. 

   ‘Sniff that stuff properly, you little shit or I cut you and your boyfriend’s throat!’ someone screams at him then and pulls his hair so hard that it’s almost enough to tear his scalp apart. _They are going to kill Lari if I don’t do what they say!_ he realises then and a new wave of panic crushes down on him. _I can’t allow that!_ And then he sniffs, properly. 

   When the powder enters his nose, all of his focus is centred to one thing: tearing pain, pain so terrible that he wants to die. He doesn’t realise that he’s screaming his throat hoarse, crying and squirming. He begs for the pain to stop, and then miraculously it does – leaving behind only merciful blackness. 

_It’s all very strange, this new world_ , Elias thinks when he returns to consciousness. He stares eyes wide at the colourful shapes swimming in his vision, trying to touch them, but finds that he cannot. There are also weird sounds echoing around but the bright colours are more interesting to him. And then he sees a glimpse of something familiar. Something... something red and a little bit of black. It’s a sight that doesn’t really seem fit into his dream world – or at least it feels like a dream. And then he recognises it. 

   ‘Lari!’ Elias shouts joyfully, like a little child. Lari smiles at him beautifully and Elias starts running towards him. But then Lari falls down and Elias stops in confusion. And then he screams in horror, for Lari is lying on the ground eyes wide open, pale and bleeding! Elias’ breath catches on his throat and his heart constricts painfully. And then Lari’s gone – disappeared, dissolved onto the ground under Elias’ feet. He stands there unmoving, the tears of shocked disbelief clouding his vision. _Lari..._ And then something hits his head again and he sees and hears no more.

He startles suddenly, waking up and he sees darkness surrounding him. For a moment, he wonders where he is and why, but then the memories come back into his mind very vividly. 

   ‘Lari!’ he screams desperately, again and again, but nobody answers. The only things that greet him are silence and the echo of his own voice.

   He cannot believe that Lari died right in front of his eyes, so suddenly, so cruelly. And then the body disappeared before Elias had a change to say goodbye. Without Lari he has no purpose, and he cannot breathe. He hurts everywhere and it feels like someone is ripping his heart out of his chest with bear hands, throwing it to the ground and stomping on top of it before thrusting it back in – irreparably damaged and bleeding.

   He gets up from the ground, squinting around and gasping for breath. He refuses to believe that Lari is gone, he can’t be! He starts running aimlessly – he needs some proof, for it all has to be just some horrible nightmare, it has to. Then he halts. There on the ground right in front of his feet is something that makes his heart jump into his throat and almost strangle him. It’s Lari’s scarf, the one Elias bought him and which he almost always uses. The scarf has been shredded and it’s stained – _with blood_ , his drugged mind assures him. 

   He starts running again, fumbling, towards home. Somehow he still knows where it is. Everything’s true, all that he saw. Lari is dead and Elias didn’t even get to say goodbye. He has to do something; he must get to Lari – right now! He hopes that no one is at home, for he doesn’t want anyone to interrupt him. Nothing has ever been so important. He can’t let Lari go without being able to say a single word to him. 

   And if he stayed with Lari forever, would it matter? _There’s nothing for you here, nobody will miss you_ , his subconscious insists and he believes it. He would stay with Lari, wherever he is and they could be together forever. The thought manages to cheer him up and he even smiles breathlessly. _Lari, wait for me!_

   He stumbles inside, somehow managing to get the door open with his keys. He doesn’t even take off his shoes or jacket, but focuses his gaze to the kitchen. He knows what he must do, but he hopes that it won’t hurt too much. But then he remembers that Lari must have been hurting for sure, so Elias shouldn’t wish that he himself won’t be. Besides it would be a lie – he’s hurting all the time and the pain only gets worse the longer he stands there passively. 

   He takes a step forwards and then another and closes the front door behind him. He’s ready to retire from this world, which is full of evil. Evil, that took Lari away from him. He’s walking like in some kind of trance to the kitchen and he finds from the first drawer that he opens a sharp knife. He takes it out and turns it slowly over, admiring its shiny surface. The only thing in his mind is Lari and that he can never again see his soulful eyes, feel his warm body next to his own, or hear his voice in his ears. 

   Vaguely he feels how something wet it sliding down his cheeks, when he places the blade against his left wrist. He cuts deeply and his brains don’t register any kind of pain. He puts the knife on the table and stares fascinated how crimson blood wells up from the wound and drops to the ground, staining his clothes at the same time. Then he takes the knife again, this time with his bleeding hand and cuts his right wrist, too. His left hand is shaking badly, so the new cut is even deeper than the first. 

   At some point he notices that he’s lying on the floor and his vision blurs. _Lari, love, I’m almost there with you_ , is his last conscious thought, and when his eyes close, he can see with his mind’s eyes a happily smiling Lari, who is holding out his hand for him to take. Elias tries to grasp it, but isn’t able to move his arms, which feel like they are made of lead. But in his head, Lari reaches out to him, takes his arm and pulls Elias into his embrace. With his last strength, Elias forces his mouth to move and then life flows out of him, leaving behind a little loving smile on his snow-white face.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Ten**

Lari is sitting quietly, anxiously, in a chair, staring at his feet and waiting. When he recovered form his shock, he ran to the hospital and now there’s nothing more to do than wait. He kind of feels like he’s an outsider, an intruder among family. Sebastian and Helena are there, silent and pale, Matleena and Cindy sit together quietly talking, but are obviously scared. Tale is watching into space, frowning, and Iida is quietly sobbing against Janne’s shoulder, who looks very sombre.

   Lari wonders if they know why he’s there, wonder why he cares about Elias. He has no idea if they know about them. Iida, Janne, Tale and Matleena do obviously, they all witnessed the scene at school, but the rest of them might not. He has seen Helena a few times back when he was still dating Iida, but Sebastian is a total stranger to him. Elias has spoken about him sometimes, but Lari has never seen him before. Elias’ mother is a stranger, too, but Lari isn’t overly concerned about her.

   They wait for what feels like an eternity to Lari. Everything that he knows is that Elias was brought in just in time – only five minutes later and it would’ve been too late. Lari feels eternal gratefulness to Tale, whose idea it was to use the master key, and to Janne, who called the ambulance.

   Someone sits next to him and Lari looks up to see Iida, watching him with tears in her eyes. Then she wraps her arms around him, pulls him into her embrace, offering comfort that Lari desperately needs. He has to bite his lip to keep his own tears from escaping. But when Iida starts stroking his hair and whispers sweet nothings into his ear, Lari can no longer control himself and begins to cry helplessly, not caring what everyone else might think of him.

   It’s about nine thirty in the evening when, finally, a doctor comes in with news. Lari recognises him as Kalle. Almost all stand up at once, Lari among them, holding his breath and looking into Kalle’s serious face, begging him with his eyes to tell them good news.

   ‘Elias is going to be fine,’ Kalle says and that’s all Lari hears. He sits back down and buries his face into his palms, wanting to cry again – only this time in tremendous relief. _Elias is going to be fine, he’ll be fine_ , he repeats to himself over and over, not bothering to concentrate on the conversation that goes on around him.

   At some point Janne plops down next to him. Lari glances at him with bloodshot eyes.

   ‘Oh, come on, cheer up,’ Janne says, ‘Eltsu’s going to fine; there’s no need to look like you’ve just seen a Dementor!’

   Lari snorts and shakes his head.

   ‘That’s a bit better,’ Janne praises and pats his shoulder. ‘Come, let’s get something to eat.’

Lari would’ve wanted to stay at the hospital, but Janne and Iida practically dragged him to his front door, saying that there was no point to stay, because Elias is still unconscious. They were right of course, but Lari still wishes he could be there where Elias is, to tell him that he’s there, waiting for him to wake up.

   But now he’s facing his front door instead. He doesn’t want to open it, for he knows what is waiting for him there: he saw his father’s van outside.

   Reluctantly he opens the door and steps in, closing the door quietly behind him.

   ‘There you are!’ comes his fathers’ voice immediately.

   Lari says nothing, just takes off his shoes and summer coat.

   ‘Where have you been?’ Ilkka demands sternly, walking closer.

   ‘At the hospital,’ Lari says shortly and turns to face his father impassively.

   ‘Are you hurt?’ he asks, a bit of concern creeping into his voice.

   ‘No,’ Lari says and attempts to walk past his father. But there’s a strong hand gripping him then, holding him in place.

   ‘Why were you at the hospital?’ his father asks again.

   ‘My boyfriend nearly died,’ Lari answers, ‘not that you care.’ Then he forcefully pulls himself free and walks to the kitchen, hoping that he doesn’t have to say anything more.

   But of course his father follows him. ‘Why?’ he asks.

   ‘Well, apparently he tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists,’ Lari says trying to keep calm.

   ‘Don’t lie to me,’ his father snaps.

   ‘I’m not!’ Lari says, his calm façade crumbling down. ‘I almost lost him and that’s your fault!’

   His father raises his eyebrows. ‘And how can that be?’ he asks, sounding incredulous.

   ‘If you hadn’t started spouting that shit about that Lotta, I would’ve been out sooner,’ Lari yells, feeling furious and needing an outlet to his pain – his guilt. ‘Then I wouldn’t have needed to take a run to calm my head, but gone to Elias right away. I would have been with him when whatever happened, happened!’

   Ilkka stares at him blankly.

   ‘I could’ve saved him!’ Lari screams then, desperation taking hold of him. He flees to his room before his father can say another word and blocks the door handle with his chair, so that his father can’t get in. Then he takes out the framed picture of Elias and holds it tightly against this chest whilst lying down on his bed.

   _It’s all my fault_ , Lari thinks, squeezing his eyes shut. _I’m supposed to protect him! I love him!_ And then he’s crying again and muffles the sound against his pillow, drenching it with his tears.

Two days later Lari goes to see Elias, who woke up yesterday and now Lari is finally allowed to see him. He is a little nervous when he steps into the room in which Elias lies, sleeping. _He looks so small and fragile_ , Lari thinks as he sits down on the chair next to the bed and takes in Elias’ appearance.

   Then Elias’ eyes flutter open. Lari holds his breath and reaches to squeeze his boyfriend’s arm softly. Elias frowns, but when he sees Lari, his eyes widen comically and he stares without blinking.

   ‘Hey,’ Lari says softly and smiles a little.

   Elias blinks. ‘Hi,’ he says, almost inaudibly and Lari reaches out to stroke his hair.

   ‘I thought you died,’ Elias whispers.

   ‘I thought _you_ died,’ Lari answers, but Elias shakes his head.

   ‘No, I _saw_ you die,’ he corrects, ‘and I keep seeing it all the time.’

   Lari closes his eyes. He didn’t know that Elias thought that he’d seen him die.

   ‘Did they tell you what happened?’ Lari asks a little hesitantly.

   ‘All what they know. I don’t remember much,’ Elias says, not looking at Lari.

   They found impure DMT and some inhibitor in Elias’ blood, most likely causing him hallucinations, intense visuals and maybe even heightened his emotions. Seeing Lari die probably made Elias want to kill himself.

   ‘Do you remember who did it?’ Lari asks, hoping that Elias does remember that, wanting those bastards caught.

   ‘No,’ Elias says and Lari sighs in disappointment. ‘All I remember is pain and seeing you die and then wanting to, you know...’ Elias continues and gestures at his heavily bandaged wrists with his head.

   Lari decides to leave then, not really knowing what say to Elias, who looks like not wanting to talk anyhow.

   ‘I’ll see you soon,’ Lari says hopefully.

   Elias doesn’t seem to hear him and Lari leaves, feeling even more depressed than before.

   Over the next few days Lari keeps visiting Elias, always near the same time. Sometimes Elias is joyful and behaves like his normal self would, sometimes he’s quiet and not wanting to look at Lari, and sometimes he still thinks that Lari really is dead. During those times Elias just cries and cries, clinging to his boyfriend and Lari holds him and talks to him until he calms down and remembers again.

Things with his father haven’t improved at all and Lari hates it. One day he even found this Lotta girl’s number from his phone! Of course his father denied everything, but it was quite obvious that it was him, who put it there.

   At school Lari is left mostly alone, but Kimi and the gang’s behaviour is very suspicious. They’ve been acting quite friendly recently and Lari is sure that it can’t be a good sign.

   ‘So, Väänänen, what’s up?’ asks Kimi, accosting Lari again.

   ‘What do you mean?’ Lari asks suspiciously, eyeing Kimi closely.

   ‘I was just wondering if you would like to come back to my team,’ Kimi tells him, which certainly does nothing to quell Lari’s suspicions.

   ‘Really? Last week you didn’t want me anywhere near _my_ team,’ Lari says, gritting his teeth.

   ‘Well,’ Kimi says, ignoring Lari’s jibe, ‘now that Elisa faggot isn’t poisoning your mind anymore –’

   Lari has enough and roughly grasps Kimi by his shirt collar. ‘ _Elias_ hasn’t been poisoning me,’ Lari spits at him, ‘and you will keep your mouth shut about my boyfriend!’ Then Lari releases him and leaves, not wanting to see Kimi’s face any longer.

   After that Kimi and the rest of the gang no longer seek him out and start treating him like dirt again. Lari couldn’t care less. But still... he does miss ice hockey.

   Therefore he goes to the training at the very same day – after visiting Elias, who was pleasantly cheerful. But he goes there half an hour too early, wanting to avoid the gang and knowing that his coach will already be there.

   He knocks at the door and goes in without invitation and tells his coach that he wants to continue playing.

   ‘Excellent!’ Jarkko exclaims in obvious joy. ‘What made you change your mind?’

   ‘I just really miss playing,’ Lari admits and his coach smiles at him in sympathy.

   ‘I heard about your boyfriend,’ the coach says suddenly, ‘is he going to be okay?’

   ‘Yeah,’ Lari says, ‘eventually.’

   ‘That’s good.’

   Lari just nods. ‘So... about me playing again...?’

   ‘Right,’ Jarkko says. ‘Do you think that you want to come back to this team?’

   Lari sighs. ‘There’s no way that they’re going to accept me back,’ he admits sadly, ‘but where else would I play?’

   ‘They do not decide who plays in the team and who does not,’ his coach tells him, ‘but I’m afraid that your team mates’ hostility towards you would greatly affect to the performance – and not in positive way.’

   ‘So, what do you suggest?’ Lari asks and feels discouraged.

   ‘What would you say if I told you that I’ve been looking for a chance to get out of this particular job?’ the coach asks, peering at Lari.

   ‘To stop coaching?’ Lari asks, frowning.

   ‘To stop coaching this particular team, yes.’

   ‘Why?’ Lari asks but then thinks that he might know the answer already.

   ‘I’m sick and tired of them. They are an arrogant and useless bunch of teenagers pretending to be awesomely cool just because they play hockey,’ Jarkko says. ‘You are the only one with any talent and now that you’re no longer in the team, I feel no interest at all towards it.’

   Lari looks at him, comprehension slowly dawning to his mind. ‘You want to coach me.’

   ‘Yes,’ he says to Lari. ‘If it’s alright to you, I would like to offer myself as your personal coach.’

   Lari smiles and feels a lot better than ten minutes ago. ‘I’d like that very much.’

   ‘Good. And now, as your personal coach, I’m going to find you a team that appreciates your skills. But most importantly, I’m going to find you a team that _you_ can appreciate.’

   Lari feels excitement running thorough his every cell. He can’t wait to tell Elias!

‘Your coach called, said that both you and him are quitting the team,’ his father announces as soon as Lari gets home.

   ‘That’s right,’ Lari says brightly.

   ‘And what’s so cheerful about that?’ his father demands, arms folded and face angry.

   ‘I’m going to be an example,’ Lari tells him and opens the fridge, peering inside.

   ‘What example?’ This time the question is more confused that angry.

   ‘I’m going to be the first openly gay ice hockey player and I’m going to make it all the way to NHL,’ Lari says, taking out a yoghurt and looks at his father, challenging him with his eyes to disapprove.

   ‘When are you going to stop that?’ his father asks.

   ‘Stop what?’ Lari asks innocently.

   ‘Stop trying to annoy me with all this gay talk!’ Ilkka snaps.

   ‘And when are you going to stop _that_?’ Lari asks then.

   ‘Stop what?’ his father asks, echoing Lari.

   ‘Stop not listening to me,’ Lari answers seriously, loosing his cheerfulness.

   Ilkka just stares at him. ‘My son is not some faggot.’

   ‘Yes he is. And you’re either going to accept that or lose me,’ says Lari and goes to watch TV. His father keeps silent for the entire evening.

Lari is graduating tomorrow and he’s both excited and nervous. He would feel better if he had Elias with him, but his boyfriend is still at the hospital recovering. He’s feeling a little lonely when he listens to the speeches and pretends to ignore those who still bother to make faces at him – the hockey gang being the worst of all. Apparently their new coach tolerates their behaviour much less than Jarkko ever did and that gives them another reason to detest Lari.

   When it’s finally Lari’s class’ turn to receive their reports, Lari is very surprised to see his father among the audience. Ilkka looks impassive, but at least he’s there and Lari can’t help but feel a little bit hopeful.

   After comprehensive school, he and Elias, along with Iida, are going to the same high school, Janne having chosen a vocational school and Tale a different high school. It will be a huge relief to Lari to get rid of Kimi and his mindless lackeys, who really don’t seem to have their own mind at all anymore.

   At home his father is still silent and Lari has no real desire for a conversation. But he still wants to know one thing.

   ‘I was surprised to see you there,’ he says, eyes on his report whose grades are barely enough for his chosen high school.

   ‘You’re my son,’ his father says stiffly and doesn’t elaborate.

   Lari just hmphs and continues to observe his report in silence, ignoring his father entirely.


	14. Chapter 14

**Interlude – Elias**   

He is already bored of the hospital and its terrible food. It feels like he’s been there forever, when in truth it’s only been little over a week. He doesn’t remember much about the day he was drugged, which is frustrating. All he gets when he tries to remember are short glimpses that tell him nothing. 

   The day when Lari came to see him for the first time and Elias saw him alive, was unbelievable. He had at first thought that he was imagining everything, because he was so sure that his Lari really was gone. 

   The doctors explained to him about the DMT and what it most likely caused to his mind. What he saw in there, wherever he was then, didn’t really happen. It wasn’t really Lari, who he saw. Lari told him that some of his clothes had disappeared and then Elias realised why. He doesn’t remember who they were, those who drugged him, but he hopes that one day they’ll find out.

   Even now there are sometimes moments when he forgets the truth. But luckily Lari always helps him past it. Lari wraps his strong arms around him, strokes his hair gently and whispers sweet words into his ears. Elias smells Lari scent in his nose, feels his arms around him, hears his voice in his ears, and then Elias remembers again that everything is fine; his love is alive. When he looks into Lari’s eyes, he’s himself again, Elias, and not some wretched creature, who occasionally takes over his body and mind. 

   Lari visits him every day, sometimes more than once. It’s actually more effective therapy than opening up to those shrinks. When he sees Lari, all of his misery is forgotten and he can concentrate only on Lari and on how much Elias knows that Lari loves him – and how much he loves Lari. The more Elias sees him, the better he feels and the less he suffers from mental confusion. 

   He has other visitors, too, of course. He thinks that his dad visits a bit too often, sometimes to preach about his son’s stupidity, but mostly to fuss. Iida is also one of the regulars and no matter how she tires to control herself, Elias can see how concern floats out her entire being. But he doesn’t mind, it just wonderful that he has so many people, who care about him. It’s harder to sense that from Janne and Tale, but they always make Elias feel better with their stupid stories and insane jokes. 

   Matleena is a very different kind of visitor. Usually they just are quiet with each other. She has almost always some book with her and she reads it whilst holding his hand. Sometimes Elias asks her to read out loud and he ends up falling asleep, lulled by her placid and gentle voice. But mostly they are both quiet. Elias’ thoughts wander freely then, sometimes into dark places, but Matleena’s hand into his works as a solid anchor, which eventually drags him from depressive depths back to reality. 

   Helena, Seppo and Cindy visit often, too. Once even Isabella showed up with Oliver, which Elias didn’t expect. Kalle and Katariina’s faces he naturally sees much as well. Elias’ mother Meri has been calling him and is coming to Finland tomorrow for a few weeks to see how he’s doing, not being able to do so sooner. That bit of news got Elias into tears – he hasn’t seen his mum for a too long time. 

   All in all, he’s doing well and he will get better over time. He is already waiting for that moment when he can get out and spend every night, or at least some of them, in his love’s warm and safe embrace. That thought encourages him to work harder – he doesn’t want to be there any longer than he has to. 

   Time is little past two and Lari is coming to see him at any second. Elias misses him terribly, even though Lari stopped by briefly in the morning before going to graduation. Lari brought with him one of Elias’ favourite chocolates and Elias has saved it so that they can eat it together. When the door opens and Elias sees his boyfriend appear from behind it, his face melts into a real and happy smile. And when Lari answers it, Elias knows that they are going to survive anything.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Eleven**

It is about a week after graduation, when Elias gets out of the hospital, finally. Everybody is very happy about that, but nobody more so than Elias himself, Lari is sure. Lari has also been waiting for this moment, getting Elias to himself again, them spending nights together. But... 

   Being in the real world seems to be a lot harder to Elias than they all thought it would. Elias is spending most of his time with his adoptive mother, to whom Lari has also gotten to know a little. Elias hangs out with Lari, too, of course but they are almost always accompanied by someone else as well. Elias seems very reluctant to be alone together with him, which to Lari is confusing and a little hurtful. It takes three days for Elias to tell him why. 

   ‘What’s wrong?’ Lari asks gently, half-lying on Elias bed and looking concernedly at his boyfriend. 

   ‘Nothing,’ Elias claims, sitting awkwardly and tensely on the bed as far from Lari as he can. 

   ‘Elias,’ Lari says and hears him sigh. ‘Why don’t you want to be alone with me anymore?’ he asks then and moves closer to him. 

   ‘It was different at the hospital,’ Elias says and Lari puts an arm on his shoulder. 

   ‘Different how?’ Lari asks. 

   ‘I don’t really know, but in here I see all these places and I get flashes and...’ Elias pauses and closes his eyes. 

   ‘And?’ Lari urges and tries to pull Elias against his side, but Elias squirms off.

   ‘I... Every time when I’m alone with you I... I see you die. And I know that it isn’t what really happened, but I just can’t get it out of my head. That feeling and... I don’t know why I didn’t feel that at the hospital.’

   Lari listens to Elias, his heart breaking a little more with every word he says. Lari closes his eyes and feels miserable and so utterly hopeless. He wishes that he could help his boyfriend. 

   ‘I’m going to Brussels with my mum today,’ Elias announces suddenly and Lari’s eyes snap open. 

  ‘For how long?’ Lari asks, not wanting to let Elias go. 

  ‘For the entire summer, maybe even longer,’ Elias says emotionlessly. 

  ‘What?’ Lari exclaims. ‘Why?’ 

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Elias whispers, ‘I just can’t be with you, not now. It’s too painful.’ 

   Lari wants to cry. ‘And when will you come back?’ he forces himself to ask. 

   ‘I don’t know,’ Elias says, sounding miserable, ‘maybe I won’t.’ 

   Lari bites his lip so hard that it draws blood. He can’t believe what Elias is saying. _You can’t leave me!_ his mind cries, _you’re all that I have_. 

   ‘I think you should go,’ Elias sighs. 

   Lari refuses to move, he can’t move. There’s no way that he’s leaving. 

   ‘Please, just go,’ Elias says, sounding like his about to cry. 

   Lari turns his face to look at him and the sight of the helpless tears steaming down Elias’ face breaks him. If he is the one causing Elias to look so distressed, he has no other choice but to leave. He doesn’t want to cause Elias any more pain than he already has. Lari gets out of the bed, takes one longing look at his love, who has his eyes closed, and takes off – once again leaving Elias crying behind him. 

Lari sulks in his room the entire day, staring at the clock on his wall. He only leaves his room to go to the bathroom and once to the kitchen. His father has undoubtedly noticed Lari’s apathetic looks, but fortunately hasn’t commented on it. When Tuesday turns into Wednesday, Lari sighs and goes to bed, knowing for certain that Elias is gone – gone for at least two months, maybe forever. 

   As the month goes on, Lari concentrates on salvaging his career. His coach has been calling and talking with teams and every now and then Lari gets an audience when he trains. Of course all want to see that Lari truly is exceptionally good, before accepting some gay guy to play in their team. So far nothing has come from it, but Jarkko keeps telling him to stay positive – they knew that it would not be easy. 

   His father starts to speak with him again eventually. Maybe it is because Lari doesn’t disappear to see Elias anymore and doesn’t bring up his gayness. Perhaps Ilkka pretends that Lari has recovered from it or just chooses to ignore it. Lari doesn’t care, but he hopes that it would be so simple. He doesn’t want to be gay without Elias, but he also knows that he can’t force himself to like girls. 

   Around mid-July, Lari and Jarkko finally find a team for him to play in. Lari is immediately thrilled about three things about it: one, they want to take Jarkko as their second coach, two, the players are good, so good that Lari has to give his absolute best to keep up – and he loves it, and three, Lari isn’t the only gay player, for there is also 17-year-old Lassi, who has been playing in the team for about a year now. 

   With his new team, Lari gets a part of his joy of life back and doesn’t just lie in his bed wallowing in self-pity and missing his lost love. 

About three weeks later, four days before the high school begins, Lari hears from Janne that Elias is back in Finland. It causes conflicting emotions in him, for on the other hand he wants to see Elias right away, but on the other hand he doesn’t. He’s afraid that Elias doesn’t want to get back together with him. 

   But of course they meet before Lari is ready for it. He is in Moose with Janne, discussing hockey, when Iida enters – with Elias. Lari has to admit that Elias looks good: his hair is little longer and his skin has a nice tan. He also looks much happier and relaxed. 

   When Elias smiles at him a little sadly, no doubt noticing Lari’s longing stare, Lari knows instantly that their reunion is not going to be a happy one – at least not in the way that Lari wants it to be. 

   ‘You don’t want me back, do you?’ Lari asks resignedly when they are together in Moose’s bathroom. 

   Elias hesitates, but then says, ‘I do want to, but... I just don’t think that it would be a good idea.’ 

   ‘Right,’ Lari says wearily, trying to keep his face expressionless. 

   ‘I’m sorry,’ Elias says, sounding miserable. 

   ‘It’s okay,’ Lari says with false cheeriness. ‘How are you doing?’ 

   ‘Better, much better,’ he answers, ‘it did good, I think, being away from you.’ 

   Lari just nods. He’s sure that voice would betray him, so he won’t speak. It hurts that being away from him would do well to Elias. 

   ‘I –’ Elias begins and then swallows. ‘I wish that we could still be friends. We do go to the same school after all.’

   ‘Okay,’ Lari says, maybe a little desperately. He needs to have Elias in his life and if being friends is the only possible way, Lari is going to take it. 

   ‘Thank you,’ Elias says gratefully and goes back to Janne and Iida. Lari follows him a couple of minutes later after composing himself.

Being in high school is very different than being in comprehensive school. There are longer days and more courses, which are very difficult and the amount of homework is overwhelming. And now Lari doesn’t even have Elias to help him with it. Their friendship – if it can be called that – is strained and too polite with forced smiles and awkward small talk. Iida looks like she wants to bang their heads together and Lari kind of hopes that she would. He would suffer anything to get him and Elias to behave naturally with each other.  

   Elias seems to get new friends very easily and it makes Lari jealous. He has an intense fear that one of the guys that Elias hangs out with is gay and... _takes him from me._ And then he remembers that Elias is no longer his and it makes Lari even more jealous. He is going to keep a very close eye on the situation. Especially that one guy, who seems way too interested and smiles at Elias very enthusiastically. 

   It happens near mid-September right there in the middle of corridor. Lari is hurrying towards his next class, which is on the other side of the building, and when he turns around the corner, he sees something that makes his eyes explode – figuratively. Elias is snogging with that ingratiating jerk! Lari doesn’t really know whether to feel angry, jealous or depressed. 

   And damn they look so disgustingly happy every time Lari sees them together after that. He hasn’t managed to have a little chat with Elias yet, so when he sees Elias alone – _finally_ – Lari drags him furiously into the nearest bathroom.  

   ‘What’re you doing?’ Elias demands indignantly. 

   ‘No, what are _you_ doing with that... that whoever?!’ Lari asks angrily. 

   ‘His name is Risto,’ Elias says. 

   ‘I don’t care about his name; I want to know what you’re doing with that jerk!’ Lari rages.

   ‘We’re dating,’ Elias says simply, raising his eyebrows. 

   ‘What?’ Lari asks weakly, his knees almost giving out under him. ‘You can’t be serious.’ 

   ‘I am,’ Elias then says, his voice a little gentler, ‘I’m sorry.’ 

   _What about me?_ Lari wants to ask, but refrains from doing so. He just stares at Elias in disbelief, in desperation, in anger, in hopelessness. 

   ‘Well good luck for you two then,’ Lari spits out before leaving, wanting to focus on anger – it’s much more bearable feeling than the others. 

    From that moment on Lari and Elias’ so called friendship is even more strained than before. Lari hates Risto with passion, not standing the sight of that freak drooling after Lari’s man. Yes, Elias is his man and always will be. He doesn’t believe for a second that Elias will keep someone like Risto around very long, he’s so bland and always wears black, white and grey, never any real colours like Lari does. 

   And then Lari meets Aurora, a shy pretty girl, who ends up as his pair in religion. She has straw-coloured hair ( _much better than that Risto jerk’s sandy hair_ , Lari thinks) and her eye colour reminds Lari of grass. Something about her makes Lari like her instantly and they get along extremely well. 

   When Lari notices that Elias is frowning at them, he gets an idea – it’s a stupid one and completely unfair to poor Aurora, but Lari can’t bring himself to care. He wants Elias back, no matter what. 

And so it happens that five days later Lari has a girlfriend and then it’s Elias’ turn to demand answers, just like Lari hoped. 

   ‘But you’re gay,’ Elias nags, his hand on his hips. 

   _He looks so cute like that_ , Lari thinks, but keeps his face blank. ‘So?’ 

   Elias looks frustrated, which in Lari’s opinion makes him look even cuter. ‘ _So_ , you can’t possibly want to date a girl!’ Elias snaps at him.

   ‘Would you me so mad if I was dating a guy?’ Lari asks then just out of curiosity. 

   ‘No,’ Elias blurts, way too quickly. Lari suppresses a victorious grin. _He is jealous!_

   Lari folds his arms. ‘What I do is my business, you can go back to exchange spit with that boyfriend of yours,’ Lari says, unable to keep bitterness out of his voice. 

   ‘Is that why you’re doing this?’ Elias asks, awareness dawning into his features and voice. ‘You’re jealous of me and Risto!’ 

   Lari wants to deny it, but can’t. Instead he says, ‘And you’re jealous of me and Aurora.’ 

   Elias scowls at him, not admitting but not denying either, and Lari mentally cheers. 

   ‘Oh, look at the time!’ Lari then exclaims, startling Elias. ‘Aurora is waiting for me, got to go!’ He winks at Elias and goes to his girlfriend, who is indeed waiting for him. 

   They still hang out in Moose and this time they are all there: Lari and Aurora, Janne and Iida, Tale and Matleena, and Elias and Risto. And some younger chick who is apparently Risto’s sister. Lari wonders what she’s doing there.

   It’s rather interesting to be there, Lari thinks and does his best to annoy Elias. Every time when Elias and Risto stop snogging, Lari starts kissing Aurora. That way he can make sure that Elias will notice it. The rest of them roll their eyes at Lari’s (and Elias’, too) childish behaviour. But Lari doesn’t care about that and he’s quite certain that everyone, except the newcomers, know what he is trying to accomplish. 

   Or perhaps all of the newcomers aren’t so blind after all. Risto’s sister, Sohvi, seems to be following Lari and Elias’ little game suspiciously. _Well, that’s great_ , Lari thinks pleasantly, _maybe she can tell Risto that Elias still wants me!_

Somehow his father has heard that Lari has a girlfriend. It was a risk of which Lari was aware, but he still took it. Ilkka is ecstatic about how Lari is healthy again and has found a nice girl to himself. 

   Lari just shakes his head in annoyance at his hype, but doesn’t bother to correct him. His father will return to Earth sooner or later – when Lari has Elias back. 

   Elias’ resolve breaks exactly a week later after Lari started seeing Aurora, or so Lari hopes: Elias sent him a text, ordering Lari to come to his place at once. Of course Lari goes, as soon as he can. He has high hopes for the evening and he prays that Elias will be cooperative. 

   He rings Elias’ doorbell and waits impatiently for the door to open. And when it finally does, Lari has to gasp. Elias looks amazing! He’s wearing nothing but jeans and open white dress shirt, revealing the deliciously bare skin of his chest and stomach. 

   Lari licks his lips as Elias’ lets him inside. And as soon as Lari closes the door, Elias is pushing him against a wall and kissing him. Lari has to groan – it’s been _ages_ since they last kissed. And Elias tastes so unbelievingly good that Lari wants to eat him. Their bodies are pressed tightly together and Lari can feel Elias’ hard length against his own whilst they rut there in the hallway like a pair of horny rabbits. 

   Eventually they move towards Elias’ room, shredding their clothes at the same time. Or at least Lari’s clothes, for Elias didn’t have much on in the first place. When the backs of Elias’ knees hit the bed, Lari pushes him down and attacks Elias’ jeans, wanting them off right that second. Elias helps him and soon Lari throws the garment over his shoulder and then removes his own trousers. Elias watches him intently, Lari notices, following his every move. 

   Once they are both naked, Lari jumps on top of Elias and they kiss urgently and desperately, wanting to remember exactly how the other tastes. Elias’ scent is making Lari wild and he can’t help but bite Elias’ neck, wanting, _needing_ , to leave his mark on him. And Elias, if his moaning is any indication, wants it, too. 

   Then Lari starts licking his way down Elias’ body, pausing to bite gently at his nipples, then stabs Elias navel with his tongue and then licks the line of hair leading down to Elias’ hard cock. Lari takes it into his mouth, leaving Elias to squirm on the bed and moaning incoherently. 

   Oh, how Lari has missed the taste and feel of Elias in his mouth, it’s exhilarating; it’s like coming back home. Lari wholeheartedly enjoys the protesting mewl that Elias lets out when Lari stops sucking him. 

   ‘Don’t stop!’ Elias whines, but Lari just grins at him, squeezes his balls gently and leans down to kiss him, this time gently and softly, pouring out all the love that he feels towards the blond boy under him and showing him with his actions the words which he still hasn’t been able to say aloud. 

   Later when they have finished and taken a shower together, they lie languidly in bed; Lari spooned behind Elias, holding him tightly against his chest. In that position they fall asleep, feeling more relaxed and safe than for a long time.

Lari starts to wake up when he hears someone clear their throat. He blinks, trying to get his eyes to focus to the sunlight streaming in from the gap between the curtains. Then he notices the person standing there in front of the bed, arms folded and looking very unimpressed. 

   It’s Sebastian. Lari suddenly feels very nervous and uneasy lying there naked with the man’s son. Lari looks away from him, his face flushed with embarrassment. 

   ‘Lari...’ Elias mumbles, then yawns and stretches his arms. His eyes find Lari’s and he smiles, unaware of his father’s presence. 

   ‘What’s wrong?’ Elias asks, his brow wrinkling. Then Sebastian clears his throat again and Elias’ eyes widen in horror. When he sees his father, he swallows audibly. 

   ‘Shouldn’t you two be at school?’ Sebastian asks and his face is carefully controlled.

   Elias blinks. ‘What are you doing in here?’ he asks either ignoring Sebastian’s question or then he didn’t even hear it. 

   ‘I called you, but you didn’t answer, so I called Iida, who said that you aren’t at school,’ Sebastian says a little reproachfully.

   ‘School!’ Elias exclaims suddenly, ‘I was supposed to meet Risto at the library! What time is it?’

   When Elias mentions Risto, Lari’s expression darkens – he had completely forgotten that Elias has a boyfriend. And that he himself has a girlfriend. Great. 

   ‘It’s about 11:20,’ says Sebastian. ‘Who’s Risto?’ 

   ‘My boyfriend,’ Elias mumbles as he rubs his temples.

   Sebastian lifts his eyebrows. ‘And yet you’re in bed with Lari,’ he states, looking very disappointed in Elias’ behaviour. 

   Elias drops his gaze and Lari feels very uncomfortable. 

   ‘I’m going to go. Just... go to school,’ Sebastian says and then leaves, and Lari can breathe again. 

   ‘Maybe we should get dressed?’ he suggests. 

   ‘Yeah,’ Elias says, sounding distracted. 

   Lari sighs, gets out of bed and starts locating his clothes. Elias is still in bed, when Lari gets himself dressed. ‘Are you coming?’ Lari asks him. 

   Elias doesn’t seem to hear him; he just frowns at his pillow, like it has offended him somehow. 

   ‘Elias,’ Lari says gently and finally Elias raises his head, looking so small and miserable that the sight makes Lari’s heart ache. 

   Lari leans forwards to kiss Elias on the mouth, but Elias turns his head and so Lari’s lips touch his cheek instead. Lari sighs. _Here we go again..._

   ‘I’ll just go,’ Lari says and leaves, not looking back; he’s feeling too frustrated. First Elias wants to have sex with him, but then immediately regrets it and pushes him away. _Why do I have to love him so much?_ Lari wonders melancholically.


	16. Chapter 16

**Interlude – Sohvi**

Sohvi Nurmi has always thought that she’s a bright girl, and very mature for a 14-year-old teenager. One thing that she’s proud of herself is how good she is at detecting when people are being less than truthful. And right now the way Elias and Lari are behaving is very suspicious. 

   Sohvi loves her big brother Risto, and he often drags her with him to see his new ‘mates’ and Sohvi always goes. And it’s a very good thing that she does, because Elias is without a doubt lying through his arse. She mostly listens in silence so that people don’t pay her much attention and that’s exactly what she does now – she listens and observes. 

   ‘You were both late today,’ Iida points out, speaking to both Elias and Lari. 

   ‘Yeah,’ Elias says a little awkwardly next to Risto, ‘I slept in.’ 

   ‘Me, too,’ mumbles Lari, not looking at any of them. 

   Sohvi frowns at them, trying to read their body language.  

   ‘So,’ Janne says then, ‘where have you left your girl, eh?’ 

   Lari glances at him, shrugging. 

   ‘You really should tell her that you’re gay, you know,’ Janne says then and Sohvi’s eyes widen in shock. 

   ‘What?!’ Risto exclaims and silently Sohvi echoes his sentiment. _Lari is gay?  
_

   Sohvi notices how Elias suddenly stiffens in his seat and glances at Lari briefly.

   ‘Yeah,’ Janne then says, ‘he and Eltsu were so in love, until when –’ then he yelps when Iida apparently pinches at him. 

   ‘What?’ Janne hisses disgruntled, rubbing at his side. 

   ‘Shut up,’ Iida hisses back, scowling at him. 

   Risto is now frowning and shifting his gaze between Elias and Lari, who both look very guilty in Sohvi’s opinion. And then her gaze focuses on Elias’ neck, when they boy tries to imperceptibly to adjust his collar. _Oh no, no way..._ she mentally sighs. 

   ‘You... You’ve dated?’ Risto asks Elias suspiciously.

   Before Elias can get his mouth open, Janne supplies him with the answer: ‘Yup, twice actually.’ 

   ‘Janne!’ Iida snaps and gets off from her seat. ‘You’re coming with me right now.’

   ‘What?’ Janne asks indignantly, but allows himself to be dragged away from the table. 

   The atmosphere around the table is very tense after that. 

   ‘I’m going to get a drink,’ Risto sighs and then almost at the same time Lari gets up and flees all to way to the lift and down. 

   Then it’s just her and Elias. She stares at him accusingly and Elias turns his head away and thus confirms his guilt in Sohvi’s eyes. Great... Why does her brother always end up with someone unavailable?


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Twelve**

When October arrives, Lari is having more and more difficulties of keeping his hands off of Elias, who is being hot and cold. They ended up in bed again about a week ago and Elias basically threw him away after that just like last time. 

   Lari knows that Elias is not happy with Risto, who seems to be, in Lari’s opinion, a very demanding boyfriend. Lari happened to hear a very private conversation between the two last week, in which Risto was complaining to Elias that every time he suggests that they have sex, Elias keeps rebuffing his advances. Lari was very pleased about that bit of news. 

   He has it easier with Aurora, who told him in no uncertain terms that she’s not going want to have sex with him for a long time yet. That suits Lari more than perfectly, for he never wants to have sex with a girl again – he only wants Elias. Of course Lari knows that it’s wrong to string her along, but he just can’t help himself. If Elias is not single, he doesn’t want to be either. And he still doesn’t want to be gay without him.

   Concentrating on school and hockey gets Lari’s head occasionally away from Elias, but not for long. More than once he has thought about changing school, because he can’t bear to see Elias and Risto together, still walking hand in hand despite their obvious problems. But Lari knows that he would go insane if Elias were not there in the same school with him, not knowing what Elias was doing and with whom. Lari just wants Elias to dump Risto so that Lari can stop hurting Aurora. 

   In mid-October Lari confronts Elias in a park, when they accidentally happen to walk by it at the same time, going in different directions. 

   ‘Elias!’ Lari calls, the other boy not having seen him yet. 

   Elias turns to look and then starts walking closer. When they are face to face, Lari asks what he has wanted to ask ever since August, ‘When are we going to stop this mess?’ 

   ‘I –’ Elias begins but swallows the rest. 

   ‘You don’t still have nightmares about –?’ Lari asks then, realising that maybe there’s a reason that Elias doesn’t want him.

   ‘No,’ Elias says and Lari sighs in relief. 

   ‘Then why?’ he asks more gently and takes a hold of Elias’ hand. 

   Elias allows it much to Lari’s pleasure. ‘I don’t... I don’t really know,’ Elias says. 

   ‘There must be a reason,’ Lari insists, pulling Elias closer to him. 

   ‘Risto said that he loves me,’ Elias says then and Lari realises the problem instantly. Elias’ eyes stare at him just a little bit accusingly, blaming Lari for the fact that they are not together. 

   ‘Why can’t you say it?’ Elias wants to know.

   ‘Because every time I say it to someone, they leave me,’ Lari says and he hates it when his voice breaks. 

   ‘What do you mean?’ Elias asks, confusion clear in his voice. 

   Lari swallows. He knows that he has to tell Elias, to make him understand. ‘I said it to my mum and then she died,’ Lari begins, looking at Elias, ‘and she had a sister, who was very important to me. I said it to her, but she couldn’t handle mum’s death, so she left me, too. She killed herself about a year after mum died. And then there was Miika...’ 

   ‘Who was he?’ Elias asks, and Lari is glad that there’s no pity in Elias’ eyes, only sadness.

   ‘You weren’t my first boy crush, you know...’ Lari admits, causing Elias’ eyes to widen in surprise. 

   ‘I was eleven then when I met this cute boy named Miika, and I...’ Lari has to pause. It still hurts to think about it. ‘It was never love of course, just infatuation, but still I told him that I loved him once. Guess what he did?’ 

   Elias shakes his head, his face still showing his wonder. 

   ‘He started laughing at me and told it to the entire school. And after that I became their punching bag – literally, so I had to change school in the middle of term. I never told dad the real reason why.’ 

   ‘I’m sorry,’ Elias whispers and hugs him tightly. 

   Lari wraps his arms around him and holds him back. ‘Don’t be. It’s over and it doesn’t matter anymore,’ he says to Elias, ‘but when I went to the new school I decided that I couldn’t feel like that anymore. I managed to suppress my feelings and I became... Well, you know how I was before you.’ 

   ‘I understand that,’ Elias says and holds him tighter. 

   ‘I also said it to my dad once, long ago and now he... He only talks to me because he thinks that I’m straight again, but...’ Lari sighs miserably. ‘I’m afraid that if I say it to you, then you’re going to leave me as well.’ 

   Elias detaches himself from Lari’s embrace. Lari hangs his head, not wanting to look at him. But then there’s a hand on his chin, lifting his face back up. 

   ‘I’ve left you already without you ever saying it to me,’ Elias says, looking Lari in the eyes and there’s a tiny, almost imperceptible smile on his face. 

   Lari blinks. _How come I never thought of that?_ he wonders and smiles a little, too. 

   ‘Elias, I lo—’ he starts to say, but Elias puts a finger in front of his lips, stopping him. 

   ‘I don’t need to hear it, not right now,’ Elias tells him and leans forwards to kiss him. But before their lips touch, they are rudely interrupted.

   ‘You cannot be serious!’ comes a shrill female voice from somewhere close – too close. 

   The boys spring apart and turn in unison to look towards the voice. It’s Aurora. _Shit!_ Lari thinks, panicking. This was not way he wanted this to go. 

   ‘How long have you been standing there?’ he asks hesitantly. 

   ‘Long enough!’ she snaps, her face wet with tears. ‘I heard and saw everything! How could you do this to me?!’ 

   Lari feels really bad, but he has no idea what to say. Eventually he decides to go with the truth. ‘I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.’ 

   ‘Yeah right,’ she says sarcastically. ‘I hate you and I never want to see you again!’ Then she turns and runs away, disappearing very soon from sight. 

   Lari sighs and closes his eyes. He feels Elias standing next to him and reaches out his hand. Elias grasps it and Lari pulls him close, burying his face in Elias’ soft hair. 

For the rest of the week Aurora avoids and ignores him completely. Lari respects it, not wanting to hurt her anymore. But Elias is still together with Risto, which irks Lari immensely. He has noticed, though, that they no longer walk hand in hand – and doesn’t really interact at all if he really thinks about it. 

   ‘I’ve been trying to tell him, but he refuses to hear anything I say,’ Elias bemoans when Lari asks about it. 

   ‘I always knew that he’s a stubborn prick,’ Lari grouses, annoyed. 

   Elias snorts. ‘Maybe you’re right,’ he says and shakes his head. ‘I just don’t know what to say to him anymore.’ 

   ‘Well, we could always arrange for him to see us doing vile things,’ Lari suggests and winks. 

   Elias smiles, but then shakes his head again. ‘No, that would be too hurtful.’ 

   ‘Yeah,’ Lari agrees and sighs. ‘I just want you all to myself.’ 

   ‘You will,’ Elias says gently and presses himself against him, wrapping his arms around Lari’s waist. 

   Lari is surprised, but pleased and starts petting Elias hair and kisses his temple. Apparently Elias likes to be hold more nowadays, which suits Lari perfectly. Then he wonders if Risto ever holds him – the only thing Lari ever has seen them do is hold hands and kiss. _He probably has no idea what Elias wants_ , Lari thinks as he inhales Elias’ lovely scent. _But I do and I’ll never forget again._

His father is at home when Lari returns from school. His alarm bells start ringing immediately, when he notices that his father looks rather enthusiastic. Lari watches him suspiciously and soon finds out what his father has in mind. 

   ‘I was thinking,’ Ilkka begins, ‘that you could invite that girlfriend of yours here to dinner during the weekend. What do you think?’ 

   Lari knows that he’s about to do his home life a lot harder again, but his father has to accept the truth at some point. ‘I don’t have a girlfriend anymore.’ 

   His father’s hopeful face evaporates. ‘Why?’ he asks, obviously confused. 

   ‘Because she caught me confessing my undying love to my ex and future boyfriend,’ Lari says seriously. 

   An angry glint appears into his father’s eyes. ‘What?’ he snarls. ‘What did you just say?’ 

   Lari rolls his eyes. ‘You heard me perfectly well,’ he says and proceeds to go to his room. 

   ‘You’re not going anywhere until I say so!’ Ilkka yells and grips Lari’s shoulder roughly. 

   Lari stops, having no other choice and looks at his father questionably. 

   ‘You had a girlfriend, Lari! I thought you had stopped that insanity,’ his father says furiously, still not believing that his son really is gay. 

   ‘I only took her because I wanted to make Elias jealous,’ Lari tries to explain, ‘I never felt anything but friendship towards her.’ 

   ‘I thought you were cured!’ his father snaps. 

   ‘I’m not sick!’ Lari yells. ‘I’m gay! I always have been and always will be!’ 

   ‘Do not shout at me!’ 

   ‘Obviously I have to, because you won’t listen to me!’ Lari shouts and then storms away from the house, not wanting to spend a single more second with his father. Lari goes to Pihlajakatu, knowing that Elias will welcome him in his home – and his bed. 

By Monday it is clear that Aurora has changed school, probably gone back to Lahti, where her parents live. Lari feels bad that his actions drove her to make that decision, but at the same time he knows that wallowing in it will help nobody. 

   The problem now is to get Risto out of the picture, which is proving to be very hard. Apparently that dick is so thick-headed that not even Elias’ ‘I think that we should break up’ has done anything to convince him to let go. It’s very frustrating to him but especially to Elias, who has to deal with that jerk every day at school and sometimes after, too. 

   And then Risto confronts Lari, which, truthfully, doesn’t surprise him. In actuality he waited for it to happen sooner. 

   ‘Why can’t you leave Elias alone?’ Risto demands, the sneer on his face making him look like an ugly bulldog.  

   ‘Because he doesn’t want me to leave him alone – and neither do I,’ Lari answers calmly. He has nothing to worry about. 

   ‘He’s _my_ boyfriend,’ Risto says, poking Lari to his chest. 

   ‘He doesn’t want to be. He’s been trying to tell you that he wants to get rid of you countless times,’ Lari tells Risto, slapping his hand away. 

   Risto looks at him murderously. ‘This isn’t over,’ he hisses and then finally leaves and Lari sneers after him. _What a jerk._

   If only Risto were the only jerk around. Ilkka is again giving Lari silent treatment and disappointed scowls. Lari does his best to ignore them, but it hurts that his father won’t accept him the way he is. At these moments he really wishes that he had some other close adult with whom he could talk. And then he remembers his coach Jarkko, who has become very close to him. It lightens his mind to realise that he _does_ have someone, who won’t judge him, someone, who understands how he feels. 

   He and Elias go to Moose to have cocoa after school, this time blessedly just the two of them. They are planning to do their homework – or at least most of it – together and then Lari will go to training and Elias to talk to Risto again, finally trying to get through him. Lari’s hopes are not very high on that matter. 

   ‘What’re you thinking?’ Lari asks when Elias sighs and abandons his pen. 

   Elias takes a sip of his warm drink before answering. ‘I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do,’ he sighs, ‘I shouldn’t have taken him in the first place.’ 

   Lari wholeheartedly agrees, but doesn’t say anything. 

   ‘I hate this,’ Elias complains. 

   ‘I know,’ Lari sighs, ‘we’ll figure something out.’ 

   Then Elias’ phone beeps and he takes it out of his pocket. ‘It’s Risto,’ Elias says, frowning, ‘he wants to see me.’ 

   Lari hopes that it’s a good sign. ‘Go on then, I’ll manage on my own,’ he says, even though he doesn’t really want Elias to go. 

   ‘Alright,’ Elias says and writes Risto something back and then gathers his things. ‘See you in the evening, yeah?’ 

   ‘Yeah,’ Lari agrees and watches as Elias disappears in the lift. _Good luck_ , he thinks and hopes that Elias manages to make that idiot to finally see some sense.


	18. Chapter 18

**Interlude – Sohvi and Risto**

‘Would you stop whining?’ Sohvi says, feeling tired of his brother’s stubbornness. He’s been complaining for hours about Lari and about how he needs to get him to stop chasing after Elias. 

   ‘I’m not whining,’ Risto insists, ‘merely speculating.’ 

   Sohvi rolls her eyes. ‘You do remember Essi from last year?’ Sohvi asks his brother pointedly. 

   Risto blanches. ‘Why would you mention her?’ he demands. 

   ‘Because you’re doing the exact same thing now with Elias!’ Sohvi tells him exasperatedly. 

   Risto was dating Essi for about five months and was very possessive of her. Soon it became an obsession and he started stalking her. Essi tried many times to tell Risto that she wants to be left alone, but he didn’t listen. When Essi wanted to call the police, it was only their father’s large sum of money that saved Risto. And now he is becoming dangerously obsessed with Elias. 

   Risto doesn’t say anything, just stares at Sohvi. 

   ‘You have to listen to him,’ she says, ‘listen and believe. You have to let him go if he really wants you to.’ 

   She’s sure that Elias does want that. He and Lari want to get back together, everyone can see that. Well, Sohvi thinks that unofficially they already are together, but they need Risto out of the way, before being a couple officially. She hopes that one day Risto will find someone real and not someone, whose heart is already given to someone else – just like Essi’s was and Elias’ is. 

   Risto scowls mutinously, which doesn’t surprise Sohvi. 

   ‘Send him a message right now and ask him here to talk,’ she commands and then Risto reluctantly takes out his phone.

   ‘Good,’ she says, when he sends the message. 

When Elias arrives, he looks resigned and definitely tired. And Sohvi knows exactly why that is. She’s going to stay in there and listen to their conversation – just in case. 

   ‘Are you ready to listen now?’ Elias asks Risto, who nods sullenly.

   Sohvi narrows her eyes. _You better be_ , she thinks. Then Elias turns to look at her questioningly. 

   ‘I’m here to make sure that he understands what you’re trying to say,’ she tells him and Elias sighs in relief and nods at her gratefully.  

   ‘Go on then, tell me,’ Risto says, rolling his eyes.

   Elias’ face hardens. ‘You treat me like I’m you property,’ he begins, ‘you always decide what we do, when we do and who we do it with. You never ask me what _I_ want to do and when I try to tell you, you ignore it.’ 

   Sohvi sighs. Everything that Elias says sounds way too familiar. 

   Risto purses his lips in annoyance. ‘So? You seemed to like it,’ he huffs. 

   ‘I didn’t and you never noticed,’ Elias says and he’s scowling now. 

   ‘Well then, why didn’t you say so?’ Risto snipes. 

   ‘I did!’ Elias says then, raising his voice. 

   Sohvi listens to their argument sighing and shaking her head. Her brother truly is a stubborn idiot sometimes. Especially when something doesn’t go the way he wants. 

   ‘We are through. Over!’ Elias shouts and Sohvi starts to concentrate on the argument better again. 

   ‘Running back to Lari, are you?’ Risto accuses. 

   ‘Yes, I am,’ Elias answers, almost snarling. 

   ‘I love you,’ Risto then says, ‘and he doesn’t.’ 

   ‘You love me?’ Elias asks in disbelief. ‘In that case you have a very strange idea about love. I don’t want you to come anywhere near me again.’

   Then Elias turns around and almost runs out.

   ‘I’ll make him see sense again,’ Risto mutters and turns to looks at her, his face full of determination. 

   Sohvi has had enough. She jumps off from her chair and stares at her brother with her eyes blazing so intensely that Risto takes a step back. _Good_ , she thinks. _Apparently it’s only me, who can make him see sense._ And that’s exactly what she’s going to do – right that second.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Thirteen**

Lari is extremely happy as he walks hand in hand with Elias after school on Thursday. They are going to Lari’s place for once, his father having left to Hämeenlinna for some conference. And the best part is that he’s going to be away the whole night! 

   Risto hasn’t been bothering Elias since their chat, which has been a relief to the both of them. But Lari still gets icy looks from the jerk, but he reciprocates by sending him evil smirks. It’s childish, Lari knows that, but it just feels too good to stop. Lari is sure that Elias knows about it but he hasn’t said anything. Elias is just relieved to be finally rid of Risto. 

   ‘How long is your dad gone exactly?’ Elias asks as they near Lari’s home. 

   ‘Long enough that we’re already at school tomorrow when he comes back,’ Lari answers unconcernedly. ‘We’ll get to do whatever we want and dad won’t know a thing.’ 

   Elias smiles at him and squeezes his hand gently. Lari squeezes back, feeling impossibly content and relaxed. If someone had told him a year ago that he would be happily walking hand in hand with his boyfriend in public, Lari would’ve certainly punched them.  

   They spend the evening watching a movie and eating junk food. Then at some point they reluctantly do their necessary homework. Later they make love slowly and sweetly for the first time for a long time as a real couple and when they go to sleep, they snuggle together under the blanket and fall asleep in each other’s arms. 

   Because they are both asleep, it goes totally unnoticed when the front door opens and Ilkka steps in. Nobody sees the way his eyes narrow at the sight of an unfamiliar jacket hanging next to Lari’s or the extra pair of shoes, also unfamiliar. Nobody hears him quietly making his way to Lari’s room or notice how the door opens a little as he cautiously peers in. The boys don’t hear his outrageous gasp when he sees them lying together with Elias’ head on Lari’s shoulder and Lari’s hand curled possessively around Elias’ waist. Thankfully for Ilkka’s sake both are wearing underwear. Ilkka retreats quietly and goes to his own room, seething. Needles to say, he doesn’t sleep much that night. 

   In the morning the boys wake up blessedly oblivious of Ilkka’s presence in the apartment. They giggle and cuddle during breakfast and leave for school laughing together and all the while an unnoticed pair of narrowed blue-grey eyes watches them from the gap of slightly open bedroom door. 

Ilkka is waiting for Lari as he comes home from school and probably thinks that he looks intimidating. Lari mentally shakes head at his father’s behaviour, removing his jacket and shoes. His father keeps glaring. 

   ‘What?’ Lari asks, wanting to get it over with. 

   ‘You better make sure that yesterday was the last time you brought that gay into my house!’ Ilkka grouches. 

   Lari’s eyes widen, but then he thinks that so what if his father saw them. He doesn’t care. ‘This is my home, too,’ Lari says calmly, ‘and if I want to invite my boyfriend here, I will.’ 

   Ilkka grits his teeth and grips at Lari’s shirt. ‘I will not have faggots in my house!’ he snaps. 

   ‘Fine,’ Lari says angrily and forces himself free from his father’s grip. Then he goes to his room and slams the door shut. 

   His father is going to get what he wants; Lari is going to go to live with Elias right now. He takes out his training bag and starts stuffing his clothes inside, along with other stuff that he’s going to need. Then he takes his hockey stick and returns to the kitchen with his bag. 

   ‘I’m going to the training,’ he lies, knowing that he’s not going to get out of the house if he tells the truth. 

   ‘Does your coach know about what you do and with whom?’ Ilkka grits out. 

   ‘Everyone knows that I’m gay and you’re the only one having problems with it,’ Lari says. ‘And yes, coach knows, too, and he approves.’ He doesn’t tell that Jarkko is gay as well. That news could make his father even more apoplectic and who knows what he might do. Possibly accuse Jarkko of pedophilia or something else just as ridiculous. 

   His father doesn’t say anything and Lari puts his outer clothes back on and leaves – this time for good. 

Katariina opens the door and tells him that Elias is visiting Iida. Lari asks her if he can stay for a few nights and after getting permission, he goes to put his things in Elias’ room before heading back downstairs. 

   He rings the doorbell and waits for someone to let him in. It’s Iida, who comes to the door.

   ‘Hi, you’re here to see Elias, I presume?’ she asks brightly and lets Lari in. ‘Elias, your boyfriend’s here,’ she informs the others as Lari removes his jacket. 

   Elias looks up from the coach, looking pleasantly surprised. Lari smiles at him and walks in to the living room. Then he slumps down on the couch next to Elias and puts his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder, ignoring Janne, who is grinning at him. 

   ‘Is something wrong?’ Elias asks softly, putting his right arm around Lari’s shoulders. 

   Lari closes his eyes and sighs contently. It feels wonderful to be with Elias, to smell his scent and hear his voice. ‘Dad said that he doesn’t want any faggots under his roof, so I left,’ Lari mumbles. 

   ‘What?!’ shouts Iida incredulously. 

   ‘And he let you?’ asks Janne. 

   ‘What happened?’ questions Elias. 

   Lari sighs and opens his eyes to look at Elias lopsidedly. ‘Apparently he came home at some point last night and saw us sleeping,’ Lari says and Elias winces a little.

   Then Lari turns to Janne. ‘I didn’t tell him that I left, I just said that I have to go to training,’ he explains, ‘but I don’t have one before Monday.’

   ‘Well, you’ll be coming to live with me then,’ Elias says decisively and presses his nose against Lari’s temple.

   ‘Yeah, I already dropped my things there,’ Lari says and closes his eyes again when Elias’ fingers start playing with the zipper of Lari’s hoodie. 

   This almost constant touching is a new thing about Elias, Lari has noticed. Nowadays Elias is more affectionate and clingy – but not in bothersome way. Lari hasn’t asked, but he thinks that maybe the ordeal that happened back in May is still affecting Elias somehow, making him more dependant of Lari. 

Ilkka doesn’t bother Lari at all during the weekend, which isn’t surprising to him. But when Lari doesn’t go home on Monday either, he starts receiving phone calls and then messages, demanding him to come home. Lari ignores them all. 

   In the mean time he hangs out with friends (namely Janne and a few guys from his new hockey team) and Elias, trains and struggles with school. Luckily Elias is a huge help with the latter. 

   On Saturday the 9th of November just when Lari is preparing for the coming exam week, he gets yet another message from his father. Lari always reads them but never answers, because the tone and meaning of them is always the same. But this time, however, the message is a bit different. 

          _Lari, I’m sorry. Please come home, at least for a while, so that we can talk._

Lari’s heart fills with cautious hope. Could it be that his father has finally stopped being an idiot? Elias is shopping with Iida and is probably not coming home for a while and Lari wonders if he should wait. He wants to show the message to Elias, but at the same time he feels that if his father really is finally sensible, Lari should go to see him right away. 

    In the end, he leaves a message to Elias, in which he explains everything and decides to face his father for the first time in over a week. 

   Behind his home door, Lari takes a deep breath before he feels brave enough to open it. When he steps inside, his father appears from the living room. 

   ‘You came,’ he breathes, visibly relieved. 

   Lari nods and folds his arms, waiting for his father to speak. 

   ‘I called your aunt yesterday,’ Ilkka says then, looking nervous.

   ‘What aunt?’ Lari asks in surprise, ‘I don’t have any aunts, not anymore.’ 

   ‘You do,’ Ilkka admits, much to Lari’s shock. ‘I have an older sister, Elli –’ 

   ‘What?’ Lari interrupts, feeling very indignant. ‘How come I didn’t know anything about this?’ 

   His father swallows and looks embarrassed. ‘She left home when she was 15... Went to live with her godmother.’ 

   ‘Why?’ Lari presses, pursing his lips. _I have an aunt I’ve never heard about?_

   ‘She...’ Ilkka clears his throat, ‘she told mother and father that she’s... you know... like what you claim to be.’ 

   ‘She’s a lesbian?’ Lari asks, lifting his eyebrows and begins to understand. ‘They threw her out, didn’t they?’ 

   ‘Yes,’ his father nods. ‘You know how your grandparents are... not very tolerant. I can still remember her tears and cries...’ he hangs his head. 

   ‘We never heard from her after she left,’ he continues, ‘not for a long time. My parents made sure of that. My brother, he loved her the most and apparently has secretly stayed in touch with her... He gave me her phone number a few years back.’ 

   Lari listens to his father’s tale silently, feeling furious of what happened to her. 

   ‘She’s in a civil partnership now,’ his father says next, ‘with kids, a son and two daughters. They also have a highly successful company and she’s very popular and has a good life. I’m... I’m happy for her.’

   ‘You didn’t think that gays could have a good life, a career and a family, did you?’ Lari accuses.

   ‘Lari,’ his father says awkwardly, ‘you must understand that the way I was brought up –’

   ‘Yeah, I get it,’ Lari interrupts. ‘What about mum? She always seemed very tolerant.’ 

   Ilkka gets a wistful look on his face. ‘Oh, she was... She was so wonderful, a much better person than I ever was,’ he says. 

   Lari nods, feeling his eyes fill with tears.

   ‘She would be...’ Ilkka begins again, ‘she would be... appalled of how I have treated you.’ He lifts his eyes too look at his son and Lari sees that there’re tears in his eyes, too.

   ‘I’m sorry, so sorry,’ Ilkka chokes out, the tears overflowing. 

   Lari can feel his own tears beginning to slide down his cheeks. 

   ‘I appreciate that,’ Lari says. ‘I’ll think about coming home.’ 

   Disappointment flashes briefly in his father’s eyes. ‘I understand,’ he says then and dabs his cheeks with his sleeve. 

   Lari nods and departs, closing the door softly and rests his back against it. Then he dries his tears and makes his way back to Pihlajakatu. 

   Elias is home when Lari returns.

   ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks immediately, standing up from his bed, no doubt noticing Lari’s still red eyes. 

   Lari smiles at him and Elias seems to understand. He pulls Lari into a tight hug and whispers in his ear, ‘I’m so happy for you.’ 

   ‘Thank you,’ Lari breathes and kisses Elias’ cheek. 

Lari does return home about a week later. His father is obviously trying hard to make an effort to accept Lari, even though it’s undoubtedly very difficult to him. Lari is trying to give him space and not flaunt his gayness in front of him.

   Elias’ birthday is quickly approaching and Lari is starting to panic. He has no idea what he could get for him – he has never been good with presents. He has been thinking of clothes, but he knows nothing about fashion and Elias is rather critical about what he wears... 

   Lari’s musings are interrupted, when there’s a knock on his door. 

   ‘Lari?’ his father says, opening the door. 

   ‘Yeah?’ Lari says and closes the book that he was pretending to read.

   ‘Do you have a moment? I would like to show you something.’ 

   Lari frowns a little, for his father is looking a bit nervous. ‘Sure,’ he says and stands up.

   ‘Good, let’s go then. It’s not in here,’ his father says, feeding Lari’s suspiciousness. 

   His father drives them closer to the city, but not quite there. They drive off from the main road and then stop near a nice looking apartment building.

   ‘What are we doing here?’ Lari asks with his brow furrowed. 

   Ilkka turns to look at him a little hesitantly. ‘Before your mother died, she told me that she had put aside a lot of money for you,’ Ilkka begins, ‘and she gave them to me –’ 

   ‘Why haven’t I gotten them?’ Lari asks accusingly.

   ‘Let me finish,’ Ilkka says and continues, ‘she hoped that I would buy you a home with them when you’re older. She wanted to do it herself, but for obvious reasons she knew that she never could.’ 

   Lari stares at his dad unblinkingly. ‘You’ve... bought me a home?’ he asks incredulously.

   His father nods. ‘For you and your... bo-boyfriend.’ 

   Lari frowns at his father. ‘What?’ 

   ‘Your mother had one specific request,’ Ilkka says, ‘she said that when you find someone you love, someone you want to settle down with, I should find a nice place for you to live as a gift from her.’ 

   Lari blinks furiously, feeling very overwhelmed. ‘But I’m only 16,’ Lari manages to say. 

   ‘Oh, I know,’ his father says, ‘but I felt that I owe it to you, for not being a very good father for you recently.’ 

   ‘Thanks,’ Lari says, everything is feeling very surreal.

   Ilkka nods. ‘And you definitely don’t have to move in yet, no. But the apartment is yours whenever you want it, both of you.’ 

   ‘You haven’t even met Elias, and you still bought us a place to live,’ Lari says in wonder. 

   ‘That’s true, but I do trust that you chose well. And... from what I saw that one day... This Elias did seem like a... decent boy,’ his father says a little awkwardly. 

   Lari smiles at him. ‘Can we go see it?’ he asks and is beginning to get a little excited.

   ‘Yes, of course,’ Ilkka says immediately. ‘That’s why we’re here.’ 

   It is a spacey four-room apartment without any furniture and Lari likes it right away. It has a nice kitchen connected to a living room and three bedrooms of course. Lari’s also thrilled when he finds out that there’s a sauna. 

   ‘I will of course help you buy furniture and stuff,’ his father tells him and Lari simply nods to him in response.

   _I can’t wait to show this to Elias!_ Lari thinks and can almost see Elias choosing furniture and thinking whether this or that colour would be better. 

Elias is looking suspicious when Lari brings him to the apartment on November 30th, Elias’ birthday. 

   ‘What are we doing in here?’ he asks Lari, as they take the lift to the sixth floor. 

   ‘It’s a surprise,’ Lari winks at him and takes out his keys. 

   Whey they go inside the apartment, Lari carefully studies Elias’ face. So far it’s confusion and suspicion. 

   ‘Alright...’ Elias opines, ‘this is a nice apartment, but what are we doing here?’

   ‘You think it’s nice?’ Lari asks and smiles, feeling much more confident. 

   ‘Well, yeah,’ Elias says, looking so cute all puzzled like he is.

   ‘Good,’ Lari says happily. ‘Happy birthday.’ 

   Elias’ eyes widen impossibly. ‘Wh—? You –’ Then he opens and closes his mouth several times soundlessly as he looks around again, astonished. ‘You got us an apartment?’ he then manages to utter. 

   ‘My mum did actually – I tell you later,’ Lari says before Elias can ask, ‘and we can move in anytime we like, whether it is tomorrow or in five years.’ 

   ‘Wow,’ Elias says, shaking his head in wonderment, ‘and I thought that you might’ve gotten me a ring or something.’ 

   ‘You wanted a ring?’ Lari asks, suddenly a little anxious. 

   Elias just grins and walks closer to him. Then he presses their bodies together and loops his arms around Lari’s neck. 

   ‘I don’t need any rings,’ Elias says solemnly, ‘I already have everything I want.’ 

   The corners of Lari’s mouth lift upwards and he puts his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. ‘And what’s that?’ he asks and his smile can be heard in his voice. 

   ‘You,’ Elias answers and leans forwards, closing the distance between their lips. 

   They kiss for a little while, until Lari pulls free. ‘I have one other thing for you,’ he says. 

   ‘Yeah?’ Elias asks and he’s smiling brightly. 

   ‘I love you,’ Lari says sweetly. 

   Elias’ eyes widen along with his smile. ‘I love you, too,’ he says and kisses Lari again.

 

**The End**


End file.
